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Copyright Astrodienst AG 2000. All rights are reserved.
02-Jul-2002
I. INTRODUCTION
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
Most parents long to provide their children with the best they can offer
on every level. But what is "the best"? Less enlightened parents will see
in the child a symbol of all the lost potentials of their own youth, and
will envision not the future toward which the child is best suited to aspire,
but the future which they would have wished for themselves. More enlightened
parents will understand the wisdom of Kahlil Gibran's words, recognising
not only the magic of the child as a symbol of new life, but also the profound
gift of being caretaker for a developing soul with a unique individuality
and a life journey which cannot be dictated in advance. Children have their
own inherent blueprint for life, independent of external factors. Within
any family, two children - given the same parents and the same social and
economic background - will express from the first days of life distinctly
different personalities and distinctly different ways of responding to the
outside world. Children are not blank slates upon which the environment
writes. If we wish to offer "the best" for our children, we need to discern
first who they are, and how we can most effectively support them according
first and foremost to the child's, not the parent's, needs.
Much wise information on child-rearing can be obtained from friends,
family members, doctors, child psychologists, and the vast body of literature
available. But no general rules on parenting can sufficiently honour the
unique personality which each individual child possesses. It is here that
astrology can make a profound and creative contribution to our understanding
of our children - and also to our understanding of the child we ourselves
once were. The birth horoscope of a child is a map of patterns and potentials
which exist in that child from the moment of birth. When an adult explores
his or her birth horoscope, many of these potentials have been "fleshed
out" according to actual life experiences and the choices that person
has made over many years. Time, circumstances and relationships with others
crystallise potentials into set behaviour patterns and attitudes. In a
child, these potentials are so easily stifled by conflicting family demands,
thwarted by inappropriate circumstances, or simply ignored through lack
of recognition. Encouragement of these potentials in childhood can help
a child to develop greater confidence and hope for a future which is more
authentically his or her own, so that greater happiness and fulfillment
are possible later in life.
Children also possess inner conflicts and insecurities, and it is healthy
and natural for them, like adults, to sometimes feel afraid. But all human
beings have their own individual ways of dealing with such fears, and
some defense mechanisms may not always be recognised for what they are.
We may not understand the language of our children's fears because we
do not suffer the same ones, and we may mock these anxieties or try to
"cure" them in ways which are inappropriate for the child. The birth horoscope
not only reflects nascent abilities - it also describes the ways in which
any individual will try to protect himself or herself against life's uncertainties.
Understanding the nature of a child's fears can be of enormous help in
encouraging an inner sense of security and resilience. Each child also
has highly individual ways of expressing love, and possesses emotional
needs which are not always the same as those of parents. One child may
need very physically affectionate demonstrations of love. Another child
may be more cerebral, needing a love expressed through verbal communication
and real interest in his or her thoughts and efforts to learn. Sometimes
these differences can lead to painful misunderstandings between parent
and child - each of whom may feel unloved simply because their ways of
loving are so dissimilar. Insight into a child's unique emotional nature
can help us to build bridges over these divides and relate to our children
with greater love and tolerance.
Children reflect back to us a profound insight into life's continuity
and hope for the future. Rather than trying to be "perfect" parents or
create "perfect" children, we could instead try to honour and support
the child's right to be an individual. A relationship can then develop
which contains mutual respect and recognition, and which nurtures and
heals rather than cramps, suffocates or undermines. The birth horoscope
does not describe a child's "fate", nor can it provide us with any predictions
of what our children will or will not become in adult life - this depends
primarily upon their own future choices. Nor can a horoscope provide the
means for an unconsciously ambitious parent to attempt to direct the child's
destiny, for a child's individual nature will sooner or later find some
way to express itself - in spite of if not because of upbringing. Instead,
the horoscope faithfully reflects an inner cast of characters and an inner
story which awaits time and choice for its unfoldment. To explore the
birth horoscope of a child is a humbling experience and a moving opportunity
to participate in containing and honouring a new life.
- - -
II. THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TYPE
The rich array of individual abilities and potentials portrayed in
Bill's birth horoscope is set against the background of an inherent temperament
bias which may be partly hereditary but is also the reflection of a mysterious
essence which belongs to him alone. We might call this bias his psychological
"type", for it is a typical or characteristic mode in which Bill is likely
to respond to the situations life brings him - even in infancy. No child
begins life whole or perfect, and all children have certain natural areas
of aptitude which will help them to deal with challenges, conflicts and
problems as life unfolds. Like the muscles of the body, these inherently
strong areas of Bill's personality become stronger the more they are "worked"
as he moves through childhood into adolescence.
Likewise, all children have certain innate areas of the personality
which may be slower to respond and develop, and which may be a source
of great anxiety during childhood. Bill's psychological type will not
remain static and unchanging through the whole of his life. There is something
within all of us - whether we call it the unconscious, the Self, or the
soul - which strives over a lifetime to integrate all those qualities
which are innately weak, neglected or undervalued. This mysterious "something"
is already at work within Bill, helping him to develop his personality
along the lines which are healthiest and most natural to him. At the major
archetypal junctures of childhood this central core of his personality,
deeper and wiser even than the wisest parent, will draw Bill into conflicts
which enable him to develop the less adapted areas of his personality
so that he can grow into a more complete person. Life does this for us
all, sooner or later. But one of the greatest joys of interacting with
a child is the pleasure of encouraging a development pattern which we
know can help that child's own inner self to achieve its goal of a unique
but balanced personality which can cope with the great range of experiences
life offers.
A highly imaginative nature
Bill will probably grow up to be one of the world's true romantics.
He has an intensely imaginative nature, and even in infancy may display
a tendency to generate a bit of theatre just because ordinary life is
so boring. You may find that he is adept at generating a sizable quantity
of rages, tantrums and dramatic sulks, for this is a child who even from
infancy will rebel against limits - even the limits of his own small body.
His will is fiery and strong and when he wants something, he wants it
NOW. Patience is never likely to be one of his great virtues. But a highly
creative spirit which thrives on the dramatic and the colourful is one
of the great gifts of his temperament. His dislike of physical limits
may make him rather self-centred or irresponsible when it comes to observing
the rules of the household - particularly with regard to meals, bedtimes,
domestic tasks and siblings' possessions. Try not to engage in a battle
of wills with him. You would probably lose in the end. More importantly,
this behaviour is not really perverse, but a reflection of the fact that
it will take him longer than many children to accept the limits of reality
and accommodate his extremely rich inner world to what he perceives around
him. The future - full of imagined possibilities and exciting potentials
- will always be more interesting to Bill than the boring old present.
He may outgrow toys, books and friends at an alarming rate of speed. This
is not callousness or carelessness, but the expression of a vivid inner
world which is constantly generating new futures and opportunities. For
him the real joy is in the anticipation; the reality, when it arrives,
is likely to be left behind rather quickly in favour of the next possible
future.
The vivid imagination which is such a marked gift of Bill's nature should
never be stifled or mocked - even if parents and family members have more
prosaic demands to make of him. In particular, he may surprise you with
a deep interest in the hidden side of life - dreams, ghosts, strange fantasies
about people and about the future - and it is important that these perceptions
are listened to, even if they sometimes seem a little odd. He may also
be fascinated by stories and films, and the more exotic the better. Bill
has a real intuitive gift which is capable of seeing past the ordinary
concrete world into the inner world of the psyche. Because this intuitive
gift is linked with creative talent and the need for self-expression,
stifling it in childhood would create great pain and frustration for him
later in life. Sometimes Bill may disturb others because he tends to see
through pretence in a most uncanny way. As he grows he may be uncannily
accurate in "sniffing out" the secrets of others - especially those family
"skeletons in the cupboard" which everyone is at pains to hide or may
not even admit to themselves. And if Bill takes a sudden irrational dislike
to a particular teacher or classmate it might be wise to pay attention.
With a powerful intuitive gift such as this one, it is most important
that as Bill develops he is encouraged to understand what this ability
is and how to learn to handle it confidently. In early childhood, it may
simply make Bill seem difficult or temperamental. In later childhood,
and indeed into adulthood, it may be a source of great creative ability,
insight and protection.
Kicking against material limits
Because the world of the imagination is Bill's true home, he may demonstrate
certain special difficulties in relating to the material environment.
He will probably display a propensity to become bored very easily, and
to start projects which are dropped before completion. Procrastination
- in both schoolwork and domestic chores - may be an ongoing problem,
although nagging him will not solve it. The disciplines which some children
accept in a realistic spirit will never be happily accommodated by Bill,
and he is always likely to test others' authority - both parental and
school - to the limits. As he develops, this child needs gentle but firm
containment, for his powerful will needs to be accommodated to the limits
of reality without his being cowed, undermined or harshly disciplined.
Later on, one effective method of communicating the importance of greater
patience and self-discipline might lie in appealing to Bill's dreams for
the future. If he wants to get to the imagined goal, he will need to observe
some of the rules of the journey. Everyday life therefore assumes meaning
as the road to the future, rather than an endless round of chores. Heavily
authoritarian approaches are only likely to make Bill intractable - if
not overtly, then covertly through sabotage. And the life-force within
this child is so rich and vibrant that extra effort to understand and
contain him will be well worth the energy and time.
It is also important that parents do not martyr themselves over Bill's
apparent self-centredness as he becomes older. He may be careless, but
the positive side of his disregard for mundane limits is that he neither
needs nor wants to be fussed over - which means parents have more free
time for themselves. The "Why do I always have to clean up your room?"
approach will not work very well, apart from its intrinsic manipulativeness
- it is likely that Bill will not want his room cleaned anyway, since
it constitutes an invasion of his private space. Just close the bedroom
door and let him live with his own mess; as he grows up, he will soon
begin to take more responsibility because beauty matters to him. Throwing
about the word "selfish" is also not helpful. This child is not selfish.
He is capable of deep and devoted love. But he is also full of vitality,
imagination and a desire to experience everything at the most intense
level possible. He is also likely to inspire parents and family members,
for his joy and enthusiasm are infectious. Crushing Bill's exuberant spirits
through emotional blackmail or harsh discipline will only make him produce
those typical psychosomatic ailments of childhood which are a sure sign
of suppressed anger. With support, love and understanding, he will grow
into a truly individual personality, full of colour and imagination, and
always ready to treat life's experiences as a great adventure.
A warm heart and a vivid imagination
Bill's fine imaginative abilities are supported by a highly sensitive
emotional nature, which readily responds to the feelings of others and
reflects an innate generosity of heart. His sometimes exaggerated reactions
need to be listened to and taken seriously, never mocked - but at the
same time he will need help in learning some detachment. Encouraging perspective,
rather than criticising his innate theatricality, would be most constructive.
Bill will probably also show an early love of and deep response to music
and rhythm, and anything which has colour, excitement and romance in it
will capture his heart and imagination. This is a child who will instinctively
love the world of fairy tales and myth, and who also needs a regular input
of emotional exchange and involvement. Parents who take the time to share
stories, poems and films with him will be richly rewarded by the joy and
enthusiasm which he expresses. He may feel very lonely if he is around
people who are not forthcoming with their feelings, and there may be a
quality of great emotional dependency which shows itself in a tendency
to provoke scenes and utilise the powerful covert weapon of sulks and
"illnesses" if he feels ignored or overlooked. He has a special talent
for provoking family members into fighting amongst each other, and parents
need to be aware of this and deal with it honestly and firmly. The rich
world of the imagination is, in Bill, always linked to the needs and feelings
of other people, and relationships will always provide the richest source
of joy and fulfillment to him.
Because Bill is an emotional child, he may deal with the problem of
coping with worldly limits through tears, emotional scenes and an apparent
helplessness which is difficult to resist. He has a great deal of innate
charm and an ability to be extremely manipulative at times. This charm,
rooted in an instinctive understanding of others' feelings, may be regularly
utilised to help him avoid the necessary mundane responsibilities and
tasks which he finds so difficult to accommodate. This may understandably
anger siblings (or even a parent) who lack that magical persuasiveness
which can coax someone else into doing all the hard work. As he grows
older, it might be helpful to gently encourage Bill to view his feelings
more objectively, rather than taking every small vicissitude of life so
personally. Learning distance and the use of clear language to discuss
and negotiate can be an enormous help to him in grounding what is essentially
a volatile and sometimes not very well contained nature, and may provide
a positive route through which he can gradually learn to accept inevitable
feelings of aloneness as well as inevitable issues of material limits.
Bill is a child with enormous funds of imagination and feeling. He will
develop into an individual who has the great gift of bringing warmth,
life and inspiration to everything and everyone he encounters. Inevitably
with a nature like this he will need to be taught about boundaries in
a loving but firm way. Generally he will always be able to get most of
what he wants and needs through enchanting others, even if he has just
thrown a really noisy emotional scene. And his innate empathy and generosity
will always draw out the love of those around him. Self-sufficiency, however,
may be slower to develop, and it is here that understanding and support
could be most effective in helping Bill to develop a strong and self-
sufficient inner core.
- - -
III. THE CHARACTERS IN THE STORY
One of the most important insights gained by depth psychology is
the revelation that people are essentially dual in nature - some aspects
of the personality are conscious and other aspects unconscious. This polarity
is already present in childhood in a nascent form. Although this developing
dual self may be influenced, encouraged or opposed by environmental factors,
nevertheless it belongs to the individual child and will, sooner or later,
express itself in life. The interplay between the conscious and unconscious
sides of the personality is a complex dialogue between two important inner
characters who sometimes agree, sometimes argue, and sometimes simply
ignore each other's existence. These characters within the individual
also change their wardrobes and show different facets of behaviour and
attitude at different stages of life. It is during childhood that the
potential for a creative interchange between the conscious and unconscious
aspects of the personality is most accessible and most easily encouraged
to develop in life-enhancing rather than divisive ways. The tension between
the main characters in Bill's inner story is the source of energy which
provides the impetus for growth, movement and the formation of a healthy
individuality. And there are other, less sharply defined characters within
Bill as well - supporting players who sometimes harmonise and sometimes
conflict with the main ones. These too contribute unique elements to a
unique human life. Where they are strongly marked in the horoscope, we
have included a description of them as well.
An earthy and honest child
Bill's nature contains no pretense or evasiveness. From the earliest
months of life he will express himself forcefully and directly, whether
he is hungry, lonely, angry or loving. As he gets older his transparent
honesty will shine brightly among subtler, more guileful children. He
is by nature earthy and not inclined to posture or placate in order to
get what he needs. He is also perfectly willing to challenge and, if necessary,
offend those who offend him. He may sometimes seem deliberately provocative
because of his refusal to be "good" simply to please others. Parents should
not expect him to collude with any effort to present things as other than
what they are. He is liable to blurt out exactly what is going on just
at the moment the family are trying to make the best possible impression
on a teacher or a neighbour, and he has a kind of sixth sense about lies
which makes him hard to deceive. An atmosphere of dishonesty or evasion
in the home environment will invariably bring the worst out of him, for
he finds it hard to understand why anything should be hidden. His way
of solving problems is to confront them directly and hammer them on the
head. More introverted siblings may sometimes find Bill trying because
he can seem overbearing and tactless, spilling out secrets and asking
embarrassing questions. He may also forget to respect others' boundaries,
simply reaching for what he wants without asking permission first. But
it should be remembered that he is not trying to be difficult or provocative.
He has a sound, realistic and direct nature which makes it hard for him
to play the social games many others find so important. The refreshing
and trustworthy nature of his clear perceptions and straightforward manner
can be a tremendously positive force within the family - as long as parents
and family members are willing to meet it with some honesty of their own.
The direct approach
When Bill wants something, everyone knows it. He is not afraid of healthy
aggression, and finds it difficult to understand why he should not try
to get the things he needs and fight for them if necessary. He is likely
to be very physically active and energetic, and would enjoy sports or
activities such as hiking and cycling which take him out into nature and
challenge his physical resources. As he is innately sensible and well-coordinated,
he is perfectly capable of understanding the basic rules of safety. But
he may show a courage, audacity and daredevil spirit which could alarm
more protective parents. The right balance needs to be found between helping
him to recognise dangerous situations and allowing him to express his
considerable energy and spirit of adventure in positive ways. Bill should
not be overprotected, stifled or subjected to humiliation by parents with
unconscious power problems, for he is liable to fight back hard and will
go on fighting until he has worn everybody out - including himself. This
would be a waste of vital creative energy which he has a right to express
in more fulfilling ways. Help him to find outlets for his powerful desires
and energies, rather than trying to break his will or sabotage his high
spirits through emotional manipulation. He can sometimes be extremely
self-willed and rambunctious. But there is no malice in him and he will
always respond well to clear, honest communication. And his great vitality
and strength of will are gifts which will provide him with courage and
initiative throughout his life.
The need to run the show
Bill thrives on being in control of his immediate environment, and he
may find it hard to make the compromises and adjustments necessary to
function harmoniously within any group - whether family or peers. Although
he forms strong emotional attachments and can be extremely loyal to those
he loves, he may sometimes appear to trample over siblings and friends
in his single-minded pursuit of something he wants. He possesses a powerful
personality and a strong desire nature which does not take kindly to being
thwarted. If frustrated, he may try to wear down the opposition through
bad temper or sulks, or through various emotional ploys which instinctively
put pressure on others to give way. Even if he appears to give up the
fight, this may prove to be a temporary regrouping while he works out
a different strategy. Efforts to get him to compromise on the grounds
of fairness or respect for established domestic rules will generally succeed,
as he has an innate sense of justice which can be called upon even when
he is upset. But efforts to break his will through harsh punishment or
emotional blackmail will be fruitless. His intense feelings must be respected
and dealt with honestly and cleanly.
He has a healthy competitiveness which will spur him to strive to master
every challenge - from learning his first steps to achieving high academic
goals at school. Although he is subtle enough to sense when it is appropriate
to show direct aggression and when it is wiser to move quietly, Bill has
a surprising degree of self-honesty and realism and may fool others but
not himself. Because he is not afraid to be selfish in fulfilling his
own needs, his generosity is totally sincere and never a secret bid to
win approval through being likeable. He is also free of the kind of secret
envy which afflicts many children (and adults), because if he feels he
deserves something he will work to get it through his own efforts. Although
his forceful personality, intense pride and occasional bouts of willfulness
may sometimes prove rather tempestuous, his essential integrity will always
shine through. Bill is not a saint or a storybook angel - he is a real
flesh-and-blood person with great honesty, courage and depth.
An innate self-sufficiency
Bill has a curiously adult self-containment which may sometimes make
him seem rather aloof. He may also display a surprising sensitivity to
criticism or rejection, reacting to it by proudly retreating into his
own "shell". He possesses a complex emotional nature, proud and self-sufficient
on the one hand yet extremely vulnerable on the other. Deeply perceptive
about other people's motives and hidden feelings (although he may not
always understand what he sees and senses), he may find it hard to reconcile
his precocious awareness with his simple belief that life is a good place
in which everybody can live happily ever after. His sensitivity is much
greater than he may be able to show, and he is particularly vulnerable
to feeling foolish or humiliated in front of others. Bill's emotional
self-containment is a valuable quality which will allow him to stand on
his own feet as he grows up, without harbouring unreasonable expectations
of others. But he needs love and affection freely offered, as much as
any child does. He may interpret an emotionally restricted or undemonstrative
atmosphere at home as a sign that he is not loved, even if the difficulties
arise from external issues such as financial troubles. Parents need to
avoid offering love only as a reward when he does something which they
want or approve of. Such conditional love is especially hurtful and damaging
to him. Instead, show him that he is loved simply for himself, and that
being "good" in the external sense is a bonus rather than the criterion
of his worth. He can be surprisingly mature and understands perfectly
well that life is not always Disneyland. Be honest with him and avoid
emotional manipulation and deception "for the sake of the child". Then
his sense of loyalty and great emotional strength will be able to develop
in the most positive ways.
A child with inner integrity
Thus Bill's inner integrity springs from his essentially honest and
realistic approach to life and to other people. He is not inclined to
live in a fantasy-world, but has the gift of finding beauty and pleasure
in this world - even if the adults around him can't. He is warm-hearted
without being sentimental, and generous without being manipulative. His
directness and energetic nature may sometimes create turbulence and tempestuous
scenes, and his strength of will may be formidable. But others are likely
to trust Bill because there is nothing false about him. The occasional
display of fireworks is well compensated by his total lack of hypocrisy
and genuinely noble heart. He puts in the shop window exactly what is
in the shop, no more and no less, and he may find it hard to accommodate
subtler manoeuvrings on the part of siblings, family members or friends.
Sometimes a little too earthy and pragmatic, he may display a disturbingly
precocious maturity and toughness. He can be very matter-of-fact about
other people's failings and has the rare gift of being able to live in
the present and find ordinary things worthwhile. Abstract goals and dreams
may mean little to him as long as immediate life is pleasing - and consequently
overly ambitious parents may be disappointed when Bill shows no inclination
to live their unlived lives for them. His ability to relate to immediate
reality gives him a deep capacity for contentment, and as he grows up
he is not likely to dissipate his time and considerable energy longing
for a world that does not exist.
Hidden dreams and aspirations
Although his nature is a sound and practical one, Bill has many buried
dreams and fantasies which sometimes intrude on his ordinary life and
provoke restless and discontented feelings. He is secretly far more refined,
receptive and imaginative than his outer personality would suggest, but
as he gets older he may try to suppress this hidden dream- world because
he finds it confusing, strange and disorientating. His directness and
realism contrast strongly with his deeply romantic and sensitive emotional
nature. Thus he may feel threatened by his vulnerability as he grows up,
and may try to compensate by an exaggeratedly tough and boisterous manner.
And although he will usually come straight out with whatever is bothering
him and will not ordinarily stoop to emotionally bribery or placating
behaviour, he is far more fearful of being unloved than he is able to
admit - even to himself. His self-confidence may sometimes plunge into
darkly doubting and insecure moods which he may find very hard to share.
And his imagination, usually disregarded when it comes to dealing with
ordinary reality, may sometimes overwhelm him with fantasies of magical
places and beautiful people whom he feels he will never be good enough
to reach. The secret dreamer and aesthete which lies hidden within him
is a very creative and positive element in his personality, for it provides
not only sensitivity to others but also a link with a deeper and more
meaningful reality. But Bill does not like the feeling that his feet are
not firmly on the ground, and may not recognise the value of his inner
world. Therefore it is important that parents can appreciate it, for throughout
childhood he may need a good deal of encouragement and reassurance as
he moves toward integrating these two very different yet equally important
aspects of his developing personality.
The need to acknowledge finer aspirations
Well adapted to everyday life and confident in his ability to get what
he wants from the world, Bill secretly carries a subtle and elusive inner
nature full of dreams, fantasies and aspirations which belong to a more
glamourous and ethereal realm. Extremely receptive to beauty and full
of yearning for an invisible unknown, he may find it hard to acknowledge
these dreams because they challenge his essentially pragmatic nature.
Therefore he may be slow in revealing his creative talents and intellectual
potentials. Frightened of looking a fool, he may prefer to show the rougher
face of his personality rather than revealing a sensitivity which he fears
will not be wanted or appreciated. Although he would not be happy being
cosseted or fussed over like some fragile scion of royalty, nevertheless
he deserves as much encouragement as possible in developing the gifts
of his mind and imagination. His refinement and aesthetic sensitivity
need expression rather than denigration, and a careful choice of schools
might be more appropriate than the simple assumption that what is local
is good enough. Even if parents are not so inclined themselves, Bill needs
to take his finer aspirations more seriously, so that as he grows up he
can enjoy both the ordinary and the extraordinary dimensions of life.
Another important pair of characters
The characters described so far represent Bill's essential inner
dialogue between the main conscious life-orientation and the hidden unconscious
strengths which, if recognised and integrated, can round out the personality.
Besides these figures, there are other inner characters indicated in the
birth chart which are likely to emerge as Bill develops, and which are
described briefly below.
A true individualist
Nothing and no one will ever succeed in turning Bill into anything other
than the individual he is. Although he needs love and approval as all
children (and adults) do, he will display a remarkably powerful will and
a determination to do and be what he wants from a very early age - regardless
of any efforts made by parents and family to produce a docile and conventionally
well-behaved nature. Although he has a warm and generous heart and a spontaneously
affectionate nature, he is quite incapable of any long-term suppression
of his distinctive personality in order to please anyone - even those
he loves most. As he grows older, Bill may often defy conventionally acceptable
behaviour, and this could be particularly evident when he reaches school
age and brandishes his colourful individuality in the face of more unimaginative
teachers. He also has a strong need for freedom of action, and may baulk
against rules and family routines which curtail his mobility. He is likely
to be a hyperactive child who is constantly on the move and needs a lot
of physical exercise and fresh air, as well as constant mental stimulation.
Rigourous discipline will not succeed in taming him. Bill needs an unusual
degree of freedom, a lion's share of attention, and a constant affirmation
that he is special and different. But behind his sometimes disruptive
antics lies a powerful, vital and creative individual in formation.
A feeling of being special
Thus Bill has the same needs as every other child, yet in his innermost
fantasies he is also a star with a special destiny and something exciting
and different to offer life. This overriding need to be himself, and to
express the drama and vision he feels within him, may generate difficulties
in a large family where many people's needs must be accommodated, or in
a more conventionally-minded family where being "normal" and just like
everybody else is the highest priority. Yet Bill has a rare and priceless
gift - the vision to see new possibilities and the courage to pursue those
possibilities even if they make him feel isolated from the family and
from the collective into which he must eventually move. Whatever the family
circumstances, he will always look beyond them to a bigger, more colourful
and more exciting life where he can command the leading role and win the
love and approval of the audience. Although Bill needs to be able to accept
himself as a human being like every other, and to accommodate those limits
and failings which life imposes on us all, nevertheless he also deeply
needs the faith of parents who believe in him and have confidence in his
highly individualistic spirit. As he grows up he is likely to follow somewhat
unconventional paths, rather than plodding down the main road with everybody
else. Give him love and support but let him find his own way. For he has
the talent, the vision and the courage to transform outer reality according
to his dreams.
A secret need for others' approval
Despite Bill's powerful sense of individuality, his dependency on acceptance
and approval from others should never be underestimated. As he develops,
this dependency is likely to provoke conflict within him, for an important
part of his personality development involves the sense that he, like Frank
Sinatra in the famous song, has done it his way. Thus he may be quick
to hide his feelings of neediness and sensitivity, and will struggle to
suppress recurrent bouts of anxiety and self-doubt. On the surface he
may appear to be a particularly brave and almost foolhardy child, overconfident
and dismissive of parental efforts to protect him. Yet his hidden dependency
and vulnerability are in fact strengths rather than weaknesses, for they
help to balance a sometimes overly self-willed and self-preoccupied nature.
Bill needs to be encouraged to appreciate his emotional needs - even the
"weak" ones - as much as he values his independence and "differentness".
Without such support for the more human and undramatic aspects of his
nature, he may begin to deny his secret longing to belong. In consequence
he would have to cope with considerable anxiety and insecurity beneath
an overly self-sufficient and exaggeratedly individualistic outer personality.
Neediness is really a strength
Thus Bill's striking and unusual personality, gifted with vitality and
imagination, is balanced by a much more dependent and needy side which
may cause him conflict as he develops. Both dimensions of his nature are
important and valuable. Parents could help him greatly by encouraging
him to recognise and express both sides as they arise in response to the
situation of the moment. Perceiving him merely as "the special one" and
not acknowledging his humbler, more ordinary needs would be very hurtful
and undermining. Because Bill is likely to draw attention to himself in
both attractive and abrasive ways, parents and family members may be tempted
to cast him in the role in which he casts himself - a kind of hybrid between
Mozart, Sarah Bernhardt and the hero or heroine of a fairy tale. His own
difficulty in expressing needier and more vulnerable feelings may be compounded
by the family belief that he doesn't have any. Facing Bill throughout
his childhood is the ancient human dilemma of individual versus group.
Many children are not buffeted by such a conflict, for they are comfortable
belonging and fulfilling the collective roles assigned to them within
the family and at school. But Bill needs to be different and yet also
to belong, and as he develops he may acquire various strategies which
in spite of his highly individualistic behaviour are really secretly directed
toward drawing the love and acceptance of others. If he proves to be a
handful at times, it might be helpful to consider that he is likely to
be at his most difficult when he feels most needy but cannot express it.
Help him to understand this fundamental truth about himself in as loving
and sympathetic a way as possible, and he will have one of the strongest
supports he could ever need in finding real balance within.
- - -
IV. EMOTIONAL NEEDS AND
PATTERNS IN RELATIONSHIPS
The means by which we find happiness and nourishment through others
become more complex, subtle and diverse as we progress from infancy to
adulthood. But our fundamental emotional needs reflect our individual
characters and in essence do not change. Every child has particular ways
in which he or she experiences and seeks emotional contact with others,
and this may not always accord with other, more dominant personality traits.
I am here!
Although Bill's earthy personality is focussed primarily on the realities
of everyday life, his deepest need in relation to others is to feel that
his specialness is recognised, affirmed and encouraged. If he feels he
is not special and important enough to loved ones he may try to compensate
through excessive physical activity or a focus on food or material possessions.
But these are really surrogates for the attention and enthusiasm he needs
from others. Bill seeks a certain amount of friction in his interaction
with loved ones because it is through challenge and competition that he
experiences himself as alive and emotionally real. He may sometimes become
bored with friendships which are too sedate and unexciting, and may show
an early preference for companions with whom he can get into mischief
or do a little gentle competing. He has great warmth, passion and generosity,
but he can also be quite oblivious to the fact that his high energy level
and hunger for new experiences may be exhausting to loved ones. And because
he has a volatile emotional nature, he may explode just to clear the air
and then show bewilderment when family members or friends are hurt by
what he has said or done. There is no meanness in his heart, but his way
of relating may sometimes seem to be a one-way street - he performs, leads,
and inspires and others follow and tell him how wonderful he is!
Bill's impulsive and somewhat demanding emotional nature may sometimes
be a little overwhelming to others, especially since he is most reluctant
to let go once he knows he wants someone's love and time. There is not
much room for compromise in his way of relating, and he is capable of
being a real "prima donna" if his needs are not met instantly. Yet there
is no malice in him. He will no doubt let his anger and disappointment
show in very obvious ways, and he may persist in trying to bludgeon the
opposition into giving him what he wants. But he is not likely to exhibit
any real unpleasantness - he is fundamentally too generous-hearted and
honourable to carry grievances. He may, however, prove exhausting at times
because of the willful quality of his emotions, which demand an immediate
and whole-hearted response. But above all Bill's idealistic and warm-hearted
emotional nature requires a direct, open and enthusiastic response from
others. He needs to feel special and it is others' recognition and interest
which affirm his worth and build his confidence in himself. He will not
tolerate being ignored for long, nor is he able to cope with chilly disinterest
or the kind of love which is expressed through acts of duty rather than
real emotional engagement. A large family with many siblings may sorely
test his limits, and if he has to share parental love and attention with
too many people he will compete furiously - openly or subtly - for what
he feels to be his rightful share. For Bill to feel happy and secure,
he requires an imaginative and playful response from loved ones, as well
as large doses of compliments and the acknowledgement that he is truly
special.
Special needs in relationship with parents
There are different needs in relation to mother and father - not
only based on the obvious fact of the sexual difference between parents,
but also based on the child's own personality make-up and way of interacting
with each parent as an individual. Just as every child's character is
unique and inherent, so too are that child's feelings and emotional requirements
in relation to parents, siblings and friends. Gaining some understanding
of these requirements can help family members provide at least some of
these fundamental needs, thereby offering an environment which - to use
the words of Winicott - is "good enough" to allow the child to develop
his or her relationships with greater inner security and trust.
Exploring the world of the imagination with
father
Bill's image of his father is primarily a sensitive and poetic one -
a portrayal of man as artist, visionary and mystic. Even if Bill's father
feels anything but artistic or mystical, nevertheless the son attaches
some sense of romantic mystery to his father and a great deal of idealism
will colour his love. Whereas some sons want their fathers to be heroic
and successful, Bill loves his father for all his human imperfections
and is unusually responsive to any sadness or sense of failure in life
which his father might carry. This boy does not want a perfect father
- he needs to have enough emotional contact to discover who his father
really is and how he feels about life. The sense of mystery which Bill
feels about his father could be a deeply creative experience, for it opens
up the boy's imagination and allows him to weave magical stories around
his father. Even if his father's life is externally prosaic and unexciting,
Bill secretly believes his father is really somebody else - a frustrated
artist or an unacknowledged visionary. Such romantic dreams are important
for Bill, but they also need to be grounded through a solid emotional
relationship which allows the son to experience his father as a real and
fallible person rather than a vanishing figure of mystery and unobtainability.
Because Bill longs to share his father's feelings and inner world of
dreams, the quality of the time father and son spend together is extremely
important - even if work pressures or family conflicts necessitate periodic
separations. Parental battles should never be used as a justification
for interfering with the very vulnerable but very deep emotional bond
between father and son, and it is most important that Bill's father endeavours
to preserve the continuity of the emotional bond even if material problems
or interference from other family members make this difficult to achieve.
Bill's father may also discover much of his own unlived creativity through
exploring the world of the imagination with his son - painting, reading
stories, listening to music together, and talking about his own dreams
and feelings. Bill's love of his father is intense and idealised. While
this idealisation needs to be balanced by plenty of ordinary human interaction,
it is also important that Bill can journey through mysterious and magical
inner landscapes with his father. Although there are always experiences
which no two people can wholly share with each other, a willingness on
the part of the father to explore the inner world with his son can help
Bill to develop greater confidence in his own creative potentials.
A close emotional bond with mother
Bill has a very special empathy with all his mother's feelings and moods.
He experiences a particularly strong sense of emotional closeness with
her, and perceives her as a responsive and sensitive person with powerful
emotional needs of her own. Thus he is likely to identify deeply with
his mother's innermost longings and dreams, and will feel a strong sense
of protectiveness toward her - almost as though he were the parent and
she the child. He will hate to see her hurt, and may instinctively take
her side in any family conflict. This very sensitive relationship can
provide Bill with a real sense of belonging, because the emotional affinity
he experiences with his mother ensures that he will rarely feel lonely
or isolated. Even if other family members vie for her attention, he is
likely to cherish a feeling that he is special and has a unique place
in her heart. Such deep attachment needs to be respected but never exploited,
for the boy's profound sense of identification with his mother reflects
a great degree of dependency. Therefore it is important that Bill's mother
does not manipulate his emotional loyalty in the midst of family conflicts
- deliberately or unconsciously - even if he seems ready and willing to
offer absolute allegiance.
Bill does not need cosseting, nor is he unable to form other emotional
attachments. But he may try to give his mother the feeling that she alone
can make him feel safe and happy, in the hope that this will bond them
more closely. The relationship between mother and son is a close, deep
and caring one, and they probably share many similarities of temperament
- especially on the emotional level. This could be a wonderful experience
for both parent and child, because it offers what most human beings hope
for - the sense of belonging in a safe and loving family environment.
But it should be remembered that one day Bill will grow up and form new
relationships. For this reason, a little of this powerful bond goes a
long way. The boy needs to be given emotional breathing space so that
he can discover his own feelings and can experience himself as an individual
separate from his mother. In order to achieve this it is important that
Bill's mother does not inadvertently play the role of a needy child in
relation to her son because of any loneliness she herself might experience.
With sufficient consciousness and sensitivity, the warm and healing qualities
in this relationship will form the emotional bedrock on which Bill can
build a lasting sense of inner security that will enhance all his future
bonds.
- - -
V. FEARS AND INSECURITIES
Every child, like every adult, experiences fear - fear of objects
and situations that belong to "real" life, and fear of inchoate things
which loom in the night and seem absurd or strange in the bright light
of day. Fear is a powerful motivator in all human beings. It can work
negatively, making us defensive and closed to life, and it can work positively,
making us develop strengths and talents which begin as a means of self-protection
and end as important assets of the personality. A child's fears have not
yet crystallised into those rigid defense mechanisms which cause so many
adults to block off important dimensions of their natures. Responding
to a child's panic with insight may save many years of the child become
adult struggling with an entrenched defensive pattern. Moreover, a child's
fears can point toward profound archetypal issues which, dealt with in
a spirit of understanding and compassion, reveal the wellsprings of nascent
values, creative potential and individual identity. Just as one man's
meat is another's poison, one child's fears are another's playground.
Yet every child experiences personal fears as real, objective and threatening
- whether they belong to the outer world or the inner. Calling such fears
silly is not only unhelpful - it is downright destructive. To the child
they are not silly at all and may reflect not only important personality
issues but also unconscious conflicts in the family psyche which the adults
are not in touch with but which the child perceives all too clearly. Listening
to a child's fears with an open mind and heart can, at a formative period
of life, provide what every human being most needs - a sense that his
or her reality, full of unpredictability and menace as well as beauty,
joy and meaning, is taken seriously. Fear is always far less frightening
when shared than when it is confronted alone.
The fear of being different
Despite his reliance on adaptation to the concrete world, Bill has a
deep need to express his feelings, fantasies and visions. He has a fertile
and colourful inner world, and his urge to encapsulate this world in forms
which others can see and understand is one of his most fundamental motivations.
But as he gets older he may experience considerable conflict in his efforts
to express himself, for he has an instinctive understanding of the dilemma
which is likely to ensue. Any direct expression of individuality sets
a person apart from others, because it is a firm and irrevocable statement
of personal identity. Bill knows this deep in his heart and fears the
criticism and envy of others. He also fears the isolation of being different.
The exposure of an individual's inner world is a fundamental human challenge,
and fear of the consequences is often the reason why many people feel
creatively "blocked". Bill has a deep awareness that to be creative is
to be individual, and to be individual is to separate oneself from others.
Even though he longs to express himself he may inexplicably lose interest
and abandon a creative project, or claim that he "can't" do it. Or he
may simply follow the crowd, refusing to offer any unique contribution
which might set him apart from family and peers.
As he gets older he may develop certain characteristic defences to assuage
his fear of expressing himself. He may seek refuge in relationships with
other, more confidently creative children in the hope that such a relationship
will somehow allow him a glimpse of the magical world without his having
to take the risk of revealing himself. He may also find ways of expressing
himself which show technical skill but lack any real emotional involvement
and exposure. His drawings may be pretty but imitative and his stories
or poems safely conventional - as though he were determined to produce
only things which earn him praise but involve no threat. He needs to be
encouraged to show greater spontaneity in what he creates, for his fear
of criticism and rejection may frustrate any genuine expression of originality.
Bill is also prone to confuse the success of his creative endeavours
with his intrinsic lovability. He is deeply afraid of rejection and harbours
many doubts about his worth. He may therefore try to use his talents as
a means of buying the love and appreciation of others. But this would
leave him with even greater anxiety because he would feel obligated to
keep performing all the time, terrified that if he stopped he would be
unwanted and abandoned. Any criticism of his efforts - however valid and
kindly offered - may be interpreted as a profound personal rejection and
he may react by withdrawing and refusing to try again. He is also deeply
hurt by envious remarks, which he tends to interpret as a sign of others'
dislike rather than as an indirect form of validation. Parents may need
to be especially conscious of any secret envy of their own toward Bill.
For although such feelings are perfectly natural, if unconscious they
may be expressed as cutting criticism or a hurtful lack of enthusiasm
for his efforts.
The price of being an individual
Beneath Bill's very personal defence mechanisms lies the basic human
dilemma of the individual's need to be an individual - and the consequences
of such striving. Self-expression is necessary for all human beings, and
more so for Bill than for many others. No matter how intense his identification
with others might be, life will only reveal its joy and meaning to him
if he feels he has a unique contribution to make. His fears are surprisingly
realistic, and the primary one is fear of the envy - and consequent rejection
- of others. Envy is a peculiarly human emotion, and can sometimes be
immensely creative because it helps us to be conscious of what we value
and spurs us to strive harder for what we want. Envy from others is also
the inevitable consequence of daring to move beyond identification with
the collective and offering some reflection of a unique inner spirit.
Like a jealous parent, the collective may be enraged when its children
leave home. Thus envy can also be ugly and corrosive, expressed as spite
and the desire to destroy the person who inspires it. Bill has an instinctive
awareness of the problem of envy. Every effort he makes toward independent
and original expression raises the deep fear that someone somewhere will
make him pay for it.
Yet if he does not break through the barrier of his fear and find ways
of expressing the vibrant life within him he himself may be sorely afflicted
by feelings of envy toward those who have achieved the freedom of expression
he seeks. For this reason parents can be enormously helpful by taking
a genuine and enthusiastic interest in any creative activities which attract
him. Interest and enthusiasm, however, are not the same as pressure, and
it would hurt and undermine Bill deeply if parents tried to fulfill their
own unlived aspirations through his creative achievements. Nor is artistic
excellence the object - it does not matter if Bill displays only an average
talent in recognised creative spheres such as painting or writing. It
is his joy and excitement in the process of creating which are so vitally
important, and the sense of self-discovery which can allay so much of
his self-doubt. The mystery of creative expression is not confined within
specifically artistic spheres of life. The act of living is itself creative,
if we can infuse it with something of our own unique being. It is this
ability to pour his whole self into life which Bill most needs to discover.
If he can perceive the mirror of his specialness and value in the eyes
of parents who do not make their love conditional on outer accomplishment,
he will find the confidence necessary to discover his own unique creative
path.
- - -
VI. LOOKING TOWARD THE FUTURE
Every child has a unique fund of potentials which can best be encouraged
through an individual educational approach. However, most children must
"make do" with what is available to them through local schools. In Western
countries education, in accord with our present world-view, primarily
consists of the acquisition of practical skills and specialised knowledge.
Regardless of whether this particular approach is suited to every child,
or even "right" in the broader philosophical or moral sense, children
must to a great extent adapt their own individual abilities to the prevailing
trend. Some can achieve this easily, some do so only by denying their
own natures, and others accomplish little because they simply cannot make
themselves into what they are not. Educational facilities may be found
which place greater emphasis on a more holistic world-view, or on the
imaginative and creative dimensions of a child's development. But the
cost of such facilities may be beyond many parents' reach. Nevertheless,
so immense is the power of innate individuality that whatever limits may
exist in the educational environment, any child - given sufficient parental
understanding and encouragement of natural aptitudes - can find the confidence
to discover his or her appropriate path in life.
Searching for roots
Bill has a fine appreciation of physical reality, but his mental focus
is on what lies behind the obvious and concrete manifestations of life.
Especially important to him is the past, both family and the broader sweep
of history. He has one eye on the outer world and one on the inner, and
images and feelings are as real to him as objects. Because of this awareness
of the multi-levelled nature of reality he may not find a strictly conventional
educational approach very fulfilling. He has a strong love of learning
for its own sake, and all knowledge is likely to prove interesting to
him. But his mental perspective is more broadly based than that which
is offered in many schools. Other people's ideas are always of interest
to him - especially if they arise from different cultures and traditions
- and he may excel at discussion and debate where the input of classmates
stimulates his own thinking and enhances his pleasure in synthesising
different fields of knowledge.
Bill is also extremely independent in his thinking, preferring an original
but controversial idea to one which is collectively acceptable but past
its prime. Because of the vitality and independence of his mind, he may
not adapt well to a more dogmatic or authoritarian approach to education,
and may become downright rebellious if he collides with more rigid modes
of thinking. Most importantly, he needs to have room to look more deeply
at things, using the faculties of intuition and fantasy as well as the
more conventionally acceptable function of logic. Bill is not likely to
put all his mental gifts in the shop window because the inner world is
so difficult to communicate except through images, symbols and music.
If it is not possible to make provision for this at school, extracurricular
classes or hobbies which support his more "esoteric" interests - especially
artistic ones - may prove extremely helpful and satisfying. And parents
who are interested in the deeper side of life and can talk openly with
him about his real questions would be most helpful of all.
A sense of continuity with the past
Deep at the heart of Bill's process of development is the need to establish
a firm sense of his place in the context of the past. This need is focussed
not only on the personal past of the family. As he leaves childhood behind
it will expand to include the whole of history, the sense of spiritual
roots, and the picture of a world in which everything new and creative
springs from the bedrock of what has gone before. He carries within him
a lifelong need to feel connected with his antecedents. As he moves into
adulthood this will provide him with a sense that his future is the fruit
not only of his own efforts but also of the lives of others who worked,
played, lived and died before he came into being. His sensitivity to the
hidden channels of the human heart will ensure that he remains in contact
with the reality of a greater human family. The past is thus no mere abstraction
or collection of historical facts - it is an unfolding drama of human
suffering, conflict, aspiration and achievement, and he will increasingly
feel connected to all of it. As he moves into adulthood he may be deeply
drawn to the hidden domain of the psyche and the soul, probing the depths
of human motivation and seeking his sense of continuity through a quest
for connection with the spiritual source of life. If there is any single
thing which parents would benefit from recognising about Bill, it is that
he has great depth and is instinctively attuned to the invisible underpinnings
of external reality. Thus, however self-assertive his manner might sometimes
be, he should never be coerced into becoming more extraverted than he
feels, nor pushed in any direction which requires him to be shallow or
superficial. The family is extremely important to him, for it is not merely
a source of security or a group of individuals whom he loves. It is a
profound symbol of a life-force which continues through time, rooted in
the distant past and moving toward a distant future. And even if Bill
finds all the love and security he seeks within the family, in adulthood
he will still - consciously or unconsciously - move toward expanding his
sense of family into a broader feeling of communion with the eternity
of the human spirit.
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