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Copyright Astrodienst AG 2000. All rights are reserved.
02-Jul-2002
CHAPTER I
INTRODUCTION
The Alchemy of Relationship
"The meeting of two people is like the meeting of two chemical substances.
If anything happens, both are changed."
- C. G. Jung
When we mix together the ingredients for a cake, we begin by measuring
the appropriate quantities of distinct and separate ingredients: flour,
butter, eggs, sugar, milk. But somehow, when these are blended together
in a particular order and baked at a particular temperature, we create
an altogether different entity. The chemical composition of the ingredients
has irrevocably changed; the cake smells, looks and tastes different from
any single ingredient which we put into it at the outset; and through
some magic which the chemist might explain but the cook usually does not
comprehend, a transformation process has occurred which is nothing short
of miraculous. Some ingredients, skillfully combined, make a delicious
treat. Others produce a reasonable but unexciting dessert. Still others,
even if they sounded wonderful in the book, create one of those kitchen
failures which teach us to try another recipe next time. And perhaps even
more mysteriously, different people like some kinds of cakes and find
others indigestible; and no one really knows why.
Human relationships are considerably more enigmatic than cookery, for
the psychologist, unlike the chemist who observes changes in the molecular
structure of eggs and flour, will never be able to totally reduce our
interaction with others to a rational formula. There is a profound mystery
at the heart of every relationship which always eludes our best efforts
to explain why we are with this person and not that one. Yet the essential
principle is the same. Take two human ingredients, distinct and separate,
and put them together in the mixing bowl of a close relationship. Stir
vigorously and apply heat - the heat of sexual desire, emotional need,
conflict, intellectual exchange, the challenges of time and mundane circumstances,
idealisation and inspiration - and through some extraordinary alchemy
a new entity is created with its own life-force, its own intelligence
and vision, and its own identity independent of and different from the
two people who generated it.
Even more mysterious is the effect which this new entity has on the
character and development of the individuals involved. At best, each person
may grow and blossom through the transformative effect of the relationship.
At worst, both may suffer. Or the relationship may be healthy for one
partner but turns out, however delicious, to disagree badly with the other.
Some people bring out the worst in us, and some bring out the best. And
this is not necessarily related to how we are treated by our partners.
We may feel profound compassion for failings in one individual which invoke
only contempt or anger when we perceive the same failings in someone else.
We may find ourselves able to explore and express talents and abilities
in one relationship which seem mysteriously blocked or thwarted in another
- despite any active encouragement or obstruction on the part of our companion.
Sometimes even deep love between partners cannot prevent the gradual erosion
of confidence and enthusiasm in one or both people. Sometimes a couple
who have always been ill-suited and unhappy with each other remain inexplicably
locked in relationships for a lifetime, yet at other times a couple who
in fact have much in common as well as a deep attachment to each other
are forced apart in spite of their sincere and prolonged efforts to preserve
the bond. Many failed relationships are due to the unintentionally destructive
actions of both partners, and could be helped or even radically transformed
through insight and joint effort. Many others are inexplicably unworkable
despite such insight and effort. Every relationship contains many ingredients,
some conscious and some unconscious; and however deeply we analyse ourselves
and our partners, we must sometimes accept some deeper or higher intelligence
at work in our relationship patterns. Yet whatever the nature and outcome
of a relationship, if - as Jung puts it - anything "happens", both people
are irrevocably changed.
- - -
CHAPTER II
WHAT BRINGS YOU TOGETHER
Our attraction to another person is rarely as simple as we believe
it to be at the time we experience that initial fascination. We may admire
someone's handsome face or soulful eyes or lovely body or graceful way of
moving. Or we may be drawn to their sense of humour, their intelligence
or their personal power and self-confidence. But what we first register
about another person is only the tip of a very deep and complex iceberg.
You and Camilla are two distinct individuals - two entirely different "substances"
- each of whom brings to the alchemy of your relationship a defined personality
with its own unique gifts, attributes and conflicts. But what is the specialness
of the attraction? What has brought you together? George Bernard Shaw, cynical
about relationships at the end of his life, once defined the state of being
in love as the fallacy of believing that one person was actually different
from another. Most of us, unless we have been deeply and perhaps pathologically
embittered by experience, would not agree with him; people are ultimately
irreplaceable because they are unique, and you and Camilla create a unique
chemistry between you. There may be areas where, in terms of your basic
characters, you have an instinctive harmony and understanding with each
other. That is usually why we believe we are attracted to another person:
They seem to embody what we most admire and need. Yet in your relationship,
as in every other, there will inevitably be friction and opposition as well
as attraction, and you and your partner must accept a certain amount of
compromise and adjustment in order to function together as a couple. And
on a deeper level, there may be areas where you touch off highly combustible
unconscious issues within each other, stirring up emotions and reactions
which surprise you both. "But I didn't know that about her," you may say
later. Or perhaps you really did know, but the glow of the initial intoxication
obscured your own instinctive knowledge.
A First Look
We shall look first at what has drawn you together. You may recognise
in the initial overview an attraction of temperaments which you have met
before in other relationships. This is because all of us instinctively
seek in another what we feel we are missing within ourselves, and if one
relationship fails to provide it then we will continue to seek that sustenance
from the next. But your bond with your partner is unique, for you and
Camilla are the highly individual human substances whose mysterious chemical
interaction may ultimately change you both.
All the World's a Stage
Because you possess a volatile, imaginative and romantic nature, you
are likely to feel instinctively at ease with your partner's own fine
imagination and emotional depth. Both of you would prefer to inhabit a
kind of fairy-tale realm where feelings, intuitions and inner reality
matter more than the demands of the mundane world; and both of you, as
Goethe once put it, prefer crisis to the insult of an ordinary fate, and
want a larger-than-life love which infuses your lives with meaning and
adventure. However, neither of you is very good at coping with the limits
and responsibilities of material reality, and each of you may at times
secretly wish your partner would look after your practical needs and deal
with all those annoying and banal invasions which life persists in producing,
while you get on with the really creative business. You and Camilla share
many of the same values and together possess an unusual compatibility
of outlook. You can also be a great stimulus to each other's creativity,
and help to make each other feel much more alive and full of potential.
But someone has to do the washing up, and even if you are pretending to
play the earthy role because you feel you have to, you are likely to feel
extremely resentful about it if your partner does not acknowledge your
efforts or fails to provide the containment and stabilising influence
you need. You are not very adept at providing it either, not without a
great deal of inner conflict; and if the two of you want to avoid regular
quarrels about being taken for granted, you might do well to be true to
yourselves and make sure others are enlisted to deal with those practical
matters which neither of you really wants to be burdened with.
2. Heart and Body
The most obvious way in which you and Camilla affect each other
is through the activation of each other's emotions and desires. Although
such a mutual stirring of feelings and passions may not always be comfortable
or harmonious, nevertheless even through conflict this activation of heart
and body gives life, energy and excitement to the attraction between you.
Bewitched
You are likely to feel enchanted, bewitched and often baffled by your
partner's delicious elusiveness. There is a chameleon-like trait in her
personality which you both invoke and are highly attracted to; and it
may seem at times that she embodies every romantic ideal you have ever
longed for. Yet when you try to pin her down and make this dream of perfect
love a reality, somehow she keeps slipping away from you or disappointing
you, as though you had fantasised the whole thing. The sense of a mystical
soul-union is likely to be very strong between you, yet it seems to keep
receding out of your reach whenever you try to anchor it in everyday life.
It is as though you have fallen in love with your fantasy of who Camilla
is, and something in her needs this adoring love in order to feel needed
and real; and therefore she unconsciously tries to play the part you have
written for her, even though the role may be too exalted and perfect.
You are more than a little in love with the romantic way in which your
partner courts you, because you can project your deepest romantic dreams
onto her like a photographic plate; and she badly needs your innate integrity
and kindness because it seems to dissolve all loneliness and pain, and
returns her to some magical Paradise Garden of the spirit. But the attraction
between you has too large a component of fantasy and enchantment in it,
and there is so much self-deception and need to please on both your parts
that you may, unconsciously and unwillingly, badly let each other down
through trying so hard to be something you are not and then resenting
the effort. The magic between you is delightful but may not be quite what
you think it is, and you both need ground under your feet in order to
avoid your unreal dreams collapsing in disillusionment.
An Innate Harmony
You and Camilla share a very similar way of expressing yourselves to
the outside world, and many of your values and mental attitudes are in
harmony. This creates an easy attraction which may give you both a feeling
of "coming home". Your effort to express your individuality through creative
forms meets with your partner's instinctive empathy and support, for she
shares these values; and the two of you will probably rarely have to explain
yourselves to each other. Because of this innate harmony, you are also
likely to experience a naturally fulfilling sexual chemistry, and enjoy
a physical rapport which is exciting as well as affectionate and comfortable.
3. Mind and Spirit
You and Camilla have a dynamic effect on each other not only because
emotions and passions are stirred, but also because the mind and spirit
in both of you are stimulated and expanded as well. Although such intellectual,
spiritual and creative stimulation of each other may at times seriously
challenge existing attitudes and beliefs, thus causing you to quarrel
or disagree, nevertheless the ultimate effect you have on each other is
one of increased understanding and vision, and the development of talents
and skills in each of you which may have been ignored or undervalued in
the past.
Honourable Intentions
You have a way of inspiring feelings of great warmth and generosity
in your partner, while she in turn has an expansive and vivifying effect
on your personality and your sense of what you want from life. Your attraction
is not of the heart and body only, but also of the spirit and the imagination.
Your need to penetrate beneath the surface of life make Camilla feel great
compassion and understanding toward you, and a desire to give of her best.
Thus, with you, she becomes a better person in her own eyes through what
she can offer you. You in turn feel more real, unique and special because
of the deep empathy and imaginative gifts she provides. The attraction
between you contains a highly romantic, adventurous, and larger-than-life
quality, full of a sometimes stylised sense of honour and high ideals;
and you may surprise yourselves with the degree to which you are both
willing to invest effort and make sacrifices in order to uphold the ideals
of the relationship.
Like Attracts Like
There is a deep similarity of goals and values which exists between
you and your partner. Even if you are still in process of searching for
what really matters to you in life, you will find that your attraction
to Camilla helps you to formulate your values more coherently; for although
you may experience conflict on the emotional level, you and she want essentially
the same things from life, and each of you helps to define the other as
a distinct and worthwhile individual. This forms the basis for a real
friendship between you. Although your own need for self-expression is
likely to be best fulfilled through finding a unique creative vehicle
through which to express your individuality, your partner's emphasis on
emotional closeness and depth provides a harmonious and supportive balance
to your own efforts to define yourself as an individual. This strong affinity
of basic goals and values may not solve other issues between you, for
it is more an affinity of the spirit than of the heart. But it means that
each of you has an instinctive understanding of who the other really is
at a profound level, and there is consequently a deep sense of recognition
and mutual acceptance between you.
A Receptive Audience
There is an easy flow of communication between you and your partner.
She has an instinctive understanding of how you think and express yourself,
and her admiration of your mental abilities is such that you can always
find a ready and receptive audience when you share your feelings and attitudes
about life. Your perceptiveness, subtlety and rich imagination are especially
inspiring to her, and she in turn responds by offering you warmth, empathy
and validation of your ideas. Your partner's instinctive appreciation
of the hidden side of life allows her to expand and enrich your thinking
through her active emotional involvement with your fields of interest.
The two of you can also laugh together, for you share a similar sense
of humour and are likely to find the same things amusing. Whatever emotional
conflicts might arise between you, the fluidity of your mental rapport
ensures that you will always be able to talk to each other.
4. Conflict and Challenge
In many respects, as the above analysis indicates, the ways in which
you and Camilla affect each other are lively and positive. Even when there
is friction, it is likely to be stimulating rather than oppressive. But
there are deeper levels at work in every relationship, and the unconscious
exchange between two people may be quite different from what is experienced
on the conscious level. It is as though one drama is being enacted openly
between you in the sitting room of the house, but an entirely different
and more disturbing one is taking place in the basement -- and periodically
some sulphurous fumes may rise up the staircase to disturb the activity
above. The unconscious fears and defensive reactions which you and your
partner activate in each other may from time to time rise to the surface
of your life together, creating hurtful difficulties which you may initially
not understand. But if you are willing to explore the motives and feelings
at work beneath the threshold of your everyday awareness, these conflicts
can lead to great insight, growth and compassion in both of you.
Too Close for Comfort
You arouse rather ambivalent feelings in your partner. Attraction and
admiration are certainly present, as well as a strongly protective feeling
which makes her want to offer support, help and guidance. But she is also
likely, consciously or not, to sometimes feel shy and inadequate in the
face of what she experiences as your superior or more spontaneous gifts.
There is a touch of the loving parent with a gifted and adored child in
your partner's feelings toward you - a complex mixture of love and envy,
protectiveness and criticism. She may project the unlived child within
herself onto you, for on some level you remind her of what she would have
liked to be, and of the old hurts and disappointments from her earliest
life which have blocked her; and in offering you support and containment,
she is also trying to heal her own wounds. The qualities of containment
and healing can help to create a deep and enduring bond between you. But
her feelings of constraint around spontaneous self-expression may also
push her into defensive, demanding or inadvertantly critical behaviour.
Camilla can offer you a profound feeling of stability and strength, which
can help to give shape and substance to your creative vision. But there
may be times when your partner needs to be a child too, rather than the
wise parent who has all the answers.
Tongue-Tied
Camilla is as drawn to you for your qualities of mind as to your qualities
of heart and body. But the communication between you is a complex issue,
because certain deeper and more unconscious feelings are stirred which
can create problems in an otherwise fertile dialogue. Although your partner
has a profound admiration for your way of thinking and expressing yourself,
she also feels somewhat intimidated or threatened by what she experiences
as your superior mental abilities. Your subtle perceptions, which allow
you to penetrate other people's motives and feelings with ease, have,
through no fault of yours, triggered old hurts around communication and
learning which spring from your partner's childhood, and which make her
feel inadequate around you even when there may be no cause. But this activation
of deeper issues may not be evident to your partner on a conscious level;
you may instead see her react to you with criticism, silence, evasion,
or a show of patronising indifference, so that you wind up being the one
who feels intellectually inferior in some way. You may also feel as though
she does not listen to you, or disagrees with you on principle without
reflection. If the two of you do not understand what has been set in motion
between you, you may sometimes find yourselves in some rather nasty and
wounding arguments. But you have the capacity for great insight into your
partner's dilemma, and the more the two of you are able to discuss these
issues honestly, the more creative the outcome; for Camilla can offer
you a stabilising and containing quality which can help you to ground
your ideas and put them to practical use.
Emotional Roadblocks
You seem to have an instinctive empathy for your partner's awkwardness
in spontaneously expressing her creative ideas, and this is likely to
arouse deeply protective feelings in you. You can sense that Camilla is
shy and defensive in this sphere, even if she does not recognise or admit
it; and you try to respond with sensitivity and tact when the "hot" issues
are encountered. Your partner in turn needs this feeling of protection
and containment because it provides a kind of healing for her earliest
childhood wounds and deprivations. She has had to struggle to develop
strengths which can in turn give you a quality of stability and structure,
supporting your need for material security and safety. However, because
your partner is deeply touched and stirred by your response to her, this
is likely to activate some of the old childhood feelings of anxiety, and
the extreme vulnerability which this can invoke in her can make her react
at times with what seems like coldness, rejection or hurtful criticism.
You are highly sensitive to such defences, because you are quite dependent
on her support; and if you cannot learn to stand alone at times and let
things be, you may find yourself becoming depressed, lonely and extremely
sorry for yourself. Thus, if you and Camilla do not face and work with
this complex dynamic, you should not be surprised if there is a tendency
for sulky atmospheres and unspoken resentment to hover between you, often
without either of you realising quite why or how it has happened. Yet
you could turn this often difficult energy into an extremely creative
exchange, because the two of you need each other and could provide each
other with deep loyalty and strong emotional support. But great honesty
with yourselves and each other is required of both of you, for the awkwardness
and anxiety which Camilla is likely to feel around you, arising from her
unspoken fears, may make her perversely deny you the emotional reassurance
you most need just at the time you need it.
Vulnerable Feelings
Your partner has a deep need for your emotional containment and nurturing,
although she may not be able to express this need to you with any ease.
Your qualities of conscientiousness and willingness to help draw a powerful
response from Camilla, for she feels healed and nourished by them; but
they also penetrate the defences of a lifetime and make her aware of hurts
and wounds which spring from the earliest years of her life. Because of
the extreme vulnerability which she is likely to feel - even if it is
unrecognised - she may at times react to you with a highly disturbing
mixture of anger and coldness, especially if she experiences the least
sign of withdrawal or disinterest from you. Abrupt withdrawal or wounding
criticism are not unlikely, and this may sometimes seem very difficult
for you to endure. You are very sensitive to your partner's painful shyness
and sense of isolation around her emotional dependency on others, even
if she is not conscious of this herself; but because your own feelings
are so deeply involved, you may need to cultivate more detachment and
objective understanding, and indulge less in self-pity and unspoken resentment
when you have been hurt. There is a profound and complicated dynamic at
work between the two of you which could indeed offer healing to you both,
as well as increasing your sense of dependability and capacity for commitment.
But a great deal of consciousness and honesty will be needed, because
the depth, importance and transformative potential of this aspect of your
attraction cannot be realised in the midst of evasion, game-playing or
mutual blame.
Boiling Point
Although the sexual attraction between you and Camilla is likely to
be quite high (at least initially), there is a covert cat-and-mouse quality
to your exchange which points to a much deeper issue being activated between
you. You arouse your partner's desire through your aloofness and withdrawal
as much as through possessing qualities she admires, for this inaccessibility
brings out the primordial thrill of the hunt in her. Your self-sufficiency
and carefully contained sensuality are enormously attractive to her, and
challenge her desire to understand and analyse human behaviour. At first
this unobtainable or inaccessible quality in you arouses your partner's
passion, and thus there is a powerful sexual chemistry between you. But
the harder she pushes you to give her what she wants, the more subtle
resistance she is likely to meet. She may simply find herself becoming
increasingly angry and frustrated, and you may not realise the degree
to which you are provoking this anger because of your own unconscious
feelings of anxiety in the face of what you experience as her greater
strength and self-confidence. Whether you are aware of it or not, you
are afraid of being dominated by your partner; and since there is something
in her which would like to dominate, you may have some grounds for this
fear. You also probably feel an uncomfortable mixture of admiration and
envy toward her. A highly frustrating power battle could ensue between
you if you do not look at your own part in the problem, and if your partner
mistakes your covert thwarting for deliberate coldness or malice; for
you feel anything but cold toward her. But her inclination to react with
anger and a desire to wound in return may be difficult for you to handle.
This element in the attraction between you can be very difficult indeed
if you are both unconscious of the dynamic at work, for it can degenerate
into real bitterness over time, and a habitual pattern of thwarting each
other in extremely hurtful ways - particularly sexually. Or you can both
try to use the tension to learn about yourselves and each other; for this
could, with some effort and love, become an extremely creative energy
which could help to heal your hidden feelings of inadequacy, and could
offer Camilla much greater patience, tolerance and understanding of human
frailty.
- - -
CHAPTER III
THE ESSENCE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
1. Your Relationship as an Independent Entity
In alchemical symbolism, two substances combine to create a third,
new entity. The relationship which you and Camilla create together is a
living thing, an independent entity in its own right. It has an essential
character or basic nature just as any living thing does, and therefore its
development process follows the integrity of its own inner law - just as
a tomato plant grows from a seed into itself rather than an apple tree.
This essential character might or might not be what either you or your partner
has in mind as an individual. Probably it is a little of both. And neither
you nor Camilla may fully perceive the real essence of your relationship
until sufficient time has passed for you to experience on the emotional
as well as the intellectual level what you have created between you. Also,
this mysterious entity has an outer personality which expresses itself in
the world in very distinct ways which are different from your own personalities;
and it may surprise you when friends or relatives or colleagues describe
how they see you as a couple because you are not aware of the outer shape
of the life-form you and your partner have created together.
Your relationship is the product of the mysterious chemical interaction
that occurs between the two of you. Yet it is not wholly under the control
of either of you, and it is possible that, while you can bring greater
consciousness to the core issues expressed within the relationship, you
cannot ultimately turn it into exactly what you want through any act of
will. Once the ingredients for a cake are chosen, mixed and baked, we
must accept the nature of the thing we have made. We can make certain
alterations, like putting on a delicious frosting, and we can try to ensure
that we have our cake at a time when we are hungry and will appreciate
its taste. But we cannot unbake the ingredients and demand that they combine
differently to get a different sort of cake. Once we create a relationship,
we must also accept and work with the thing we have made; for it is the
product of a combination of individuals, alchemically mixed, cooked and
brought to life.
The Magic of the Mind
The keynote of your relationship with Camilla is communication. There
is a quality of mental vitality, energy and inspiration generated between
you which makes this partnership more than an emotional and physical bonding,
for the dominant impetus within the relationship aims toward the formulation
and expression of ideas. On one level, this may result in you and your
partner both feeling more able to talk to each other, and share your respective
views and interests, than either of you might have done in other relationship
situations. On another level, the powerful mental energy of the relationship
is likely to affect your individual ability to express your ideas, so
that previously neglected talents may be invoked and you and your partner
find your perceptions of life greatly enriched and extended. A natural
outgrowth of this might be that you and Camilla work together in some
field involving communication such as writing, publishing, teaching or
lecturing; for the energy of the relationship is likely to transform your
thinking and open up areas where you and your partner share similar opinions,
attitudes and concerns. Others may also respond to the
creative and rather romantic ambience of your relationship, for as a couple
you and Camilla tend, consciously or not, to project a quality of drama
and specialness which sets you apart from more prosaic partnerships. It
is not likely that the two of you will air your difficulties before others,
for there is a strong element of pride in the outer style of this relationship
which requires the presentation of a sunny and optimistic face to the
world. The romantic qualities of the relationship are also evident to
others, and the two of you are likely to appear as a striking and stylish
couple, a little larger than life, involved in exciting creative ventures
and not bound like so many others to the narrow orbit of mundane routines
and responsibilities. But this dramatic persona is not false; it reflects
many authentic qualities which really are part of the relationship's heart.
But however the world sees you as a couple, the core
of your relationship is a meeting of minds.
Because of your your love of the dramatic, your tendency
to self-mythologise, and your need to test your strength and wits against
life's challenges, you are likely to find the creative possibilities of
your relationship with Camilla exciting and rewarding. Its strong emphasis
on communication and the formulating and sharing of ideas can offer opportunities
for you to enhance your self-expression and develop your talents; and
the rather mercurial, airy and sometimes unpredictable nature of the bond
will probably appeal to your need for freedom and autonomy in your interaction
with others. You are better able to cope with crises and conflicts than
many people because you enjoy challenge (even if you dramatise your difficulties
at the time). But you are much less equipped to deal with sameness and
boredom. Happily, this relationship, because of its open possibilities
in the realm of the mind, ensures that there will always be something
interesting and challenging going on which can stimulate your thinking
and expand your vision of life.
Because there is such a strong emphasis on the life
of the mind and the communication of ideas within the relationship, it
is also likely that frequent and extended arguments may also be a part
of what you generate together. Debate and argument are an inevitable aspect
of communication, and one can only formulate and articulate one's own
ideas if there is something - or someone - against which to compare them.
The expressive nature of your relationship will probably push both of
you into a greater need to exchange ideas, and inevitably you will not
always agree. But such disagreement can be as creative a dimension of
the bond as the discovery of shared viewpoints, because both of you are
called upon by the nature of the relationship to become more conscious
of what you really think as individuals. The areas where your most fruitful
dialogues (and most heated arguments) are likely to occur are those concerned
with all forms of knowledge. This could draw you and your partner into
a mutually supportive pursuit of further education, as well as involving
you in fields directly concerned with speaking and writing. But the powerful
emphasis on learning inherent in the relationship also means a lively
exchange on the everyday level, and you and your partner may find that
the pleasures of a really good gossip together are much greater and rewarding
than you might have expected.
However, there is an innate dilemma presented by such a strongly mental
and communicative focus in your relationship. The life of the mind is
so active between you that the subtler, nonverbal modes of exchange and
sharing so necessary to the emotional and sexual life of a relationship
may easily be neglected because the two of you are so busy talking about
everything. The need to share and communicate ideas is a creative and
positive dynamic in your relationship, but you and Camilla may also find
yourselves getting bogged down in discussion as a means of avoiding other,
more visceral issues between you. If problems should arise related to
the instinctual side of your partnership, the two of you are likely to
start analysing them in the hope that communication and understanding
will make the problems go away; and you may even find yourselves arguing
about something quite unrelated to what is really going on between you
because you can let off steam that way without confronting the real issues.
Difficult feelings may have a hard time getting an airing because the
tendency to rationalise may be activated in both of you by the energy
of the relationship. But the magic of the mind is such that, even when
this more difficult and evasive dimension of the relationship intrudes,
sooner or later the need for honest dialogue will prevail, and the two
of you will go on learning from each other.
The Unpredictable Adds Spice to the Dialogue
Your relationship with Camilla is full of lively mental energy which
can stimulate and transform your thinking and your attitudes toward life.
There is another element within the relationship which both enhances its
creative mental potentials and injects it with an unconventional and unpredictable
ambience. The combination of these two factors may sometimes be upsetting
and disturbing, but it will never be boring. However, if you or your partner
are seeking a quiet, emotionally comfortable container, you may be in
for a surprise. The erratic qualities of the relationship may sometimes
cause one or the other of you to pull away abruptly, creating a climate
of emotional distancing and separateness which may be hurtful; for there
is something at work within the bond which requires cyclical periods of
withdrawal and independent expression. In some ways this harmonises with
the strong intellectual and communicative emphasis of the bond, for it
means you each need periods where you pursue your own independent thinking
and interests. But you and your partner may sometimes feel this is altogether
too much of a good thing. While this energy within the relationship does
not mean you can never experience a sense of permanence with each other,
it does mean that you need to let each other alone at times. It would
become truly problematic only if you and Camilla attempt to force the
relationship into too conventional a form, where your mundane routines
and responsibilities bind both of you too tightly and do not permit your
erratic and stimulating mental exchange a sufficient variety of outlets;
or where you and your partner are too emotionally symbiotic and dependent
on each other, and cannot allow the breathing space which the relationship
requires.
The more unpredictable energy of the relationship is most likely to
surface in particular areas of your life together. If you wish to avoid
an unconscious eruption of this disruptive energy, you and your partner
might need to develop greater independence from each other in terms of
your friends and social circle, and in terms of the ideas and ideals which
you hold toward life. Although the relationship emphasises the lively
mental exchange between you, you also each need separate areas of interest
and the right to have your own attitudes and viewpoints; and you may also
need intellectual stimulation from a variety of different sources which
are not always equally pleasing to both of you. Other people may often
be the catalysts for triggering a strong sense of difference between you,
but this may not be a bad thing at all; in fact it can help to enliven
the exchange between you, because you are not constantly influenced only
by each other. The unpredictability of your relationship can greatly enhance
the originality of your thinking, and can open up new worlds to you both.
But you and your partner are not likely to win awards for being the stablest
and most serene of couples. If you can appreciate the intellectual vitality
and eccentricity of the relationship without trying to turn it into something
from the pages of Women's Own, you and Camilla will be able to get the
best out of this stimulating and inspiring combination of energies generated
between you.
- - -
2. Your Relationship and Yourself
The following sections describe the effect of this relationship
on yourself. While the previous sections of text always spoke to both
of you, you and your partner, the focus here will be on your side.
A Stirring of the Heart and the Passions
Your relationship with Camilla is likely to activate particular
aspects of your personality very strongly, and this includes first of
all a stirring of your emotional and instinctual nature. The ways in which
your passions, your needs and feelings, your sexual responses and your
inner sense of self-worth and lovability are aroused - sometimes happily,
sometimes through conflict - all contribute most powerfully to the transformative
effect the relationship has on you.
Star Quality
Your sense of personal attractiveness and self-worth is likely to be
given strong support by this relationship - particularly by the ways in
which others react to it. You will probably enjoy being seen with your
partner because you like the person you become; and in social or professional
situations where you appear as a couple, you will feel more desirable,
more fun, and better related to others. In a way you are in love with
the image of yourself which you see in others' eyes when you and Camilla
are together. But this can be a very positive thing, because it makes
you want to live up to the role the relationship provides for you, thereby
bringing out the best in you. Although deeper conflicts may arise between
you and your partner, your sense of self-worth and lovability are supported
and validated by this bond.
Life in a Country Cottage
You are likely to feel very secure and contained by this relationship,
especially by the way in which others see the two of you as a couple.
You need the partnership because it seems to offer a safe and stable structure
in the eyes of the world; and even if you experience deeper emotional
conflicts, the outer appearance and style of the relationship touch your
feelings deeply and are likely to make you feel as though you have come
home. This may of course make you want to avoid any other relationship
issues which need to be dealt with. But nevertheless some very important
security needs can be satisfied by this bond; and if you are able to make
sure these are not used to conceal other, more uncomfortable dynamics
which need to be brought out into the open, you can rest contented on
the solid base which the relationship provides.
A Spur to Creative Expression
Your relationship also serves as a catalyst for the development
of your talents, creative abilities, worldly goals and sense of individuality,
although sometimes this personal growth may occur through friction and
challenge rather than harmony. However, even with a certain amount of
conflict, your partnership with Camilla can offer you many opportunities
for growth, self-development and an enhancement of your capacity for worldly
achievement, as well as a more defined sense of who you really are.
A Roulette Wheel
There is something volatile, unpredictable and exciting about your relationship
which is likely to trigger a strong sense of adventure and expansiveness
in you. Even if you have been a relatively staid sort of person in the
past, this relationship is likely to stir feelings of intense restlessness;
for your imagination is being opened up and through the effect of the
bond you are likely to become increasingly aware of all the unlived potentials
and possibilities within you which are clamouring for a chance to be expressed.
Your sense of meaning and faith in life is also likely to be enhanced
through the relationship, for it has the power to exercise a powerfully
transformative effect on your world-view and your sense of an intelligent
order at work in life. You are likely to be given a strong kick on both
material and spiritual levels, and will probably find your life ultimately
enriched and enlarged through this partnership. Whatever conflicts you
and your partner might experience in other spheres, your vision and understanding
are likely to be greatly enhanced and expanded, giving you the necessary
perspective and faith to weather and learn from whatever crises occur
- in your individual life as well as within the relationship.
A Wake-Up Call
There are highly unpredictable elements within this partnership which
are likely to shake up all your previous attitudes toward sexual expression
and sexual roles within a relationship. Because of the unconventional
and electric quality of the bond, you will probably feel more alive, enthusiastic
and sexually vitalised than you might have felt in the past - and more
aware of who you are and what you want. But the powerful awakening which
is likely to occur through the effects of this bond may also subject you,
sexually and in terms of your energy and self-motivation, to a great challenge
which may leave you sometimes feeling very anxious; for you are in a sense
being asked to develop greater autonomy, independence and self-confidence
in every area of your life. If you have been a dependent or passive personality
in the past, you may be in for some shocks, since you will need to become
much more conscious of what you really want from life - and to learn to
fight for it if necessary. Unfortunately, despite the universal cry for
personal freedom, most human beings, when offered it on this profound
level, opt for safety; and you may too. Or you may be the exception that
proves the rule. It is likely that, as the relationship progresses, you
will feel increasingly capable of decision-making and control over your
own life. But that may not be altogether comfortable, for this relationship
offers you no room for sentiment or evasion; it gives your consciousness
a strong kick and will probably strip away many illusions and self-deceptions
around the issue of why in the past you may not have taken charge of your
own destiny. You could react to this powerful energy with fear, anger
and withdrawal. Or you could meet the challenge of the relationship with
courage, and find yourself truly free and self-determined at last.
An Exercise in Self-Definition
This relationship has a way of making you feel deeply responsible for
its life and continuity. You may sometimes feel that you are carrying
the whole weight of it on your shoulders, for the inherent limits and
difficulties of the bond both define and frustrate your sense of who you
are. On the one hand, your feelings of strength, potency and individual
value are being activated by the relationship, and you also draw life
from its challenges because they stir a deep sense of commitment in you.
This makes you feel safe and contained, and also makes you aware of your
own capacity for loyalty and generosity. But at the same time, the relationship
has a way of thwarting your individual goals, requiring you to compromise
your own will and purpose in order to sustain the partnership. The problems
and obligations which you must face may block your independent progress
in some way. But although you may sometimes feel extremely constricted
at times, in fact this relationship is defining you as a person, deepening
you and giving you greater realism, patience and authenticity. If you
are able to carry its weight, it will help you to establish a more solid
sense of your own authority and effectiveness in life; for, paradoxically,
it is through your voluntary choice to adjust to the relationship's limits
that you can become most truly yourself.
Courage and Confidence
Your sense of self-motivation and effectiveness in life are likely to
be given a strong boost by the creative energy of the relationship. Somehow
its life-giving force inspires you to greater courage and a willingness
to pursue your own individual goals in a way which you have probably not
experienced before. Your passions are also likely to be aroused, as well
as your temper; and you may discover that you are a far more willful and
competitive personality than you thought. Sexual stimulation is also part
of the dynamism of the relationship's effect on you, but it is more than
this; it is really a discovery of your own potency, determination and
energy which you are likely to experience. Even if the quarrels become
somewhat combustible at times, this bond has a way of making you feel
more alive, more dynamic and more in charge of your own life.
- - -
3. Your Relationship and Your Partner
The following sections of text describe the effect of this relationship
on Camilla.
Your Partner's Heart is Also Stirred
Your relationship also has a powerful effect on particular aspects
of your partner's passions, feelings and emotional needs; and this means
that she, like you, is liable to experience a definite enriching and deepening
of her heart and instinctual nature - even if this sometimes occurs through
conflict and upset.
Coping With Spells
The way in which this relationship appears in the eyes of others, and
the responses it invokes, activate an intense romantic idealism in your
partner which may be very bewildering - particularly if she is accustomed
to being in charge of her emotions. She may discover a vulnerability and
emotional sensitivity which she had previously kept hidden, even from
herself. It is as though the image of the relationship constellates within
her a dream of perfect union; and your partner may need to be careful
not to indulge in too much idealisation of the bond. If she falls in love
with the image of the relationship rather than with you, she may suffer
great disillusionment when the inevitable human conflicts arise; and she
may be prone to a certain amount of self-deception and play-acting in
order to keep the cherished external image intact while deeper conflicts
begin to disturb the partnership from within. But if %p can enjoy her
dream while remaining in touch with your human reality, she can experience
the sense of magic the relationship stirs in her while being able to remain
grounded and honest with you.
Lost in the Wood
The elements of romantic fantasy in the relationship may sometimes confuse
and bewilder your partner, for her emotional needs are closely attuned
to the promise of perfect love which this bond seems to offer; and she
may find herself losing contact with her own personal boundaries as a
result. She may feel at times as though she is wandering about in an enchanting
but uneasy dream. The romantic idealism inherent in the relationship is
not in itself excessive or strange; but your partner's sensitivity to
it, and the high expectations it invokes in her, make her very vulnerable
to disappointment. It is as though she is being offered a glimpse into
the Paradise Garden, but is never quite allowed to pass through the gate
and make the dream real. Thus Camilla may not feel quite safe and secure
in this relationship, however magical and beautiful things seem. Although
she may believe that she has met her soul-mate and "come home" at last,
there are probably deeper and more complicated issues at work; for her
unfulfilled childhood needs are being strongly constellated by the relationship,
and this could make her long for a quality of perfect fusion which is
not humanly possible in any partnership. However, if Camilla is able to
keep contact with what she really needs as an individual, and can rely
on her own capacity for self-nourishing, she will be able to enjoy the
magical feelings which the relationship generates while still retaining
a sense of inner security and emotional self-sufficiency.
An Activation of Your Partner's Creative Potentials
Your partner can also benefit from the relationship on a creative
level, for it is likely to activate her imagination and creative abilities
as well as her capacity to express herself in the world.
The Making of Pearls
The difficulties and limits inherent in the relationship may have a
strongly positive effect on your partner's way of approaching life, for
she is liable to react with a deep need to understand the meaning of what
she is experiencing. Every partnership has its problems, but it is her
unique response which could turn these problems into a highly creative
experience which opens up a greater faith in life and in herself. This
relationship is rather like the oyster and the pearl for your partner;
the irritating grain of sand which cannot be got rid of eventually results
in something of great beauty and worth, and the constant irritation of
an apparently insurmountable obstacle in the partnership could arouse
in Camilla not only a powerful wish to escape to greener pastures, but
also a desire to stretch her vision so that she can gain a broader or
higher perspective on the situation. This is in effect a spur to deep
religious or spiritual feelings within her (however unorthodox); for sooner
or later, if she persists in expanding her understanding to cope with
the problems, she will contact a source of wisdom and meaning within herself
which deepens her trust in the essential goodness of life. Her occasional
wish to escape to something easier and less challenging is natural, but
it would probably leave her feeling much worse if she acted on this; for
something in her needs the challenge of this relationship in order to
grow, and her efforts to come to terms with the difficulties of the partnership
may even result in her developing a philosophy of life or a fund of knowledge
which serves her future development in an ongoing and permanent way.
The Deeper Effects on Your Partner's Inner
World
Your partner is also liable to be deeply stirred by the transformative
effects of the relationship, and she may, like you, find such activation
of unconscious issues sometimes highly uncomfortable. But this relationship
offers a potential for profound healing and change in Camilla as well
as in you, provided she can meet the challenge with an awareness of the
importance of your bond.
No Discounts Available
The way in which this relationship appears in the outside world, and
the reactions it invokes in other people, may stir deeply ambivalent responses
in Camilla. On the one hand she will probably be moved by a deep sense
of responsibility and permanence, which may make her want to create a
lasting bond which the world can identify as a stable partnership. But
she may also feel trapped or restricted by the strength and weight of
the partnership, and the sacrifices it requires of her. The feeling of
structure and permanence which the relationship constellates in her satisfies
her deepest security-needs, and may go a long way toward healing hurts
from her past. But Camilla will also probably have to accept the occasional
feeling of being burdened, weighed down or disillusioned - particularly
if she has been a more romantic temperament in the past. Put bluntly,your
partner will grow up a great deal through the effects the relationship
has on her, especially in her dealings with the collective. She may have
to make important sacrifices to have this relationship; hopefully she
will not resent the price.
Learning to Lose Control Gracefully
There is an intense and almost "fated" quality in the relationship which
may invoke some very uncomfortable responses in Camilla. It is not that
this partnership is any more "fated" than any other; it is that she has
a peculiar sensitivity to the compulsive elements within it, and may react
defensively if she begins to feel overwhelmed. It is her sense of control
over herself which she may feel is being threatened, for there are areas
of her personality which have been hurt or deprived in childhood and which
she has probably learned to protect through shutting out any person, situation
or emotion which makes her feel vulnerable. It is, in other words, her
self-protective mechanisms which the relationship challenges. If your
partner is not aware of the complex issues at work within her, she may
try to devalue or dominate the relationship (or you) in order to regain
a sense of control. However, it is not you who are undermining her efforts
to protect himself; it is the chemistry of the relationship itself which
is exercising a powerfully transformative effect on aspects of her personality
which have perhaps become too rigid or constricted due to unconscious
anxiety. If she is prepared to face those areas where she is denying life
and love through too much control, and if she can look at the early life-experiences
which have generated such a pattern, she may find that - even if she sometimes
feels hurt, vulnerable and exposed - many old wounds could be healed within
her, and through the relationship she could develop greater trust in life
and in herself.
A Clouded Mirror
The image which this relationship projects to the world, and the reactions
others have to it, are likely to invoke deeply uncomfortable feelings
in your partner. This is because old childhood hurts are being triggered,
and she may experience an unusual sense of awkwardness and vulnerability
when the two of you make any entry onto the social or professional stage
as a couple. The relationship somehow has a way of penetrating her defences,
not because of anything you are doing to each other, but because the form
it takes when you are confronting the world together has a tendency to
arouse old and deep feelings of anxiety in Camilla. She may try to protect
herself by cultivating a manner which devalues the relationship and hides
her real feelings; or she may simply find herself avoiding situations
where she feels so exposed. But if she can be honest with herself and
can use the insight her uncomfortable responses could offer in helping
her to understand her own complex inner world, your partner could find
a great deal of healing in areas of her personality which have been hidden
from the light for a long time.
- - -
CHAPTER IV
DEEPER ISSUES ACTIVATED INSIDE
1. Basic Relationship Patterns within You
The transformative potential of your relationship with Camilla may
be greater than you realise. Every important human bond activates many levels
of the personality, and some of these levels are unconscious and unrecognised.
All of us bring our own inner issues and preconceptions into a relationship
with another person. A relationship involves not only the chemistry between
the two personalities, but also our unconscious images of what it is to
be a man or woman. These inner images are partly shaped by our experiences
of the first man and woman we meet in life - father and mother. But perhaps
more importantly, they also reflect profound hidden truths about our own
essential characters. The less aware we are of these deeper aspects of ourselves,
the more likely we are to enact and project them blindly - and sometimes
destructively - in our relationships. The inner images of man and woman
which we all carry are really pictures of our own needs, expectations and
potentials. They may be coloured or even distorted by childhood experiences,
but fundamentally they belong to us as individuals. They have both positive
and negative features, and we have the freedom to express both. Because
people are by nature complex and multifaceted, we have more than one of
these inner pictures of masculine and feminine within us. And each deep
relationship we encounter in life could activate a quite different aspect
of our inner world, presenting us with very different challenges and bringing
very different responses out of us.
The relationship which you and Camilla have created, because it is an
independent living thing, will have an effect on the inner world of both
you and your partner, triggering unconscious images of masculine and feminine
in ways which you may not always be aware of. It is as though the two
of you are living with a third person who exercises a subtle but powerful
influence on how you feel and behave when you are together. This is the
real alchemical work of the relationship, for both of you will be changed
by the energies which have arisen between you. Some of its effects might
feel very positive, and others might be extremely disturbing. Most human
interaction involves a mixture of both. It is likely that sooner or later
this relationship will stir up old childhood patterns and feelings, because
the inner images of masculine and feminine which you and Camilla bring
into the relationship are coloured by the past. This gives you both a
chance to discover untapped potentials in yourselves, as well as facing
and healing hurts and wounds from early life. You and your partner could
respond to the activation of your inner world in a creative and productive
way, using what you learn about yourselves to make important changes in
your attitudes and manner of self-expression. Or you could blame everyone
and everything in sight for your discomfort, and make a general mess out
of things if you so choose. You and your partner may not be able to unbake
the cake you have made. But you have a great deal of choice in terms of
how you deal with what this relationship activates within you.
The Art of the Poet
Whatever you may consciously define as "masculine", there is an image
deep within you of man as poet, visionary and sometimes victim, and your
relationship with Camilla brings this image to life. In mythology, the
poet is best portrayed by the singer Orpheus, whose music was so eloquent
that he could make the trees and stones weep; but his great failure came
when he looked back into the past, mistrustful of the future, and so lost
the thing most dear to him. Although the image of man as poet may appear
to collide with more collective "macho" definitions, it is an ancient
and archetypal portrayal of one of the faces of manhood. On its most profound
level, it is man as mediator of the creative power of the collective unconscious;
and it is part of the fabric of your inner world - whether you are aware
of it or not. The most creative face of this inner figure is his gift
of gentleness and compassionate response to others, and his openness to
music, poetry, and the world of dreams.
There is also great vulnerability in your poetic inner image of manhood,
reflected in the myth by the way in which Orpheus clings to the past because
he fears the future. The poignant tale of how he loses his wife Eurydice
to the lord of the underworld because he insists on looking back to make
sure she is walking behind him, suggests a deep problem in being able
to face separation and loss with courage and strength. This part of the
story of Orpheus reflects in mythic imagery feelings of great anxiety
and uncertainty, which can erode a man's confidence and potency. Perhaps
you saw this dilemma in your own father's life, for there are echoes of
your father's personal uncertainty and unexpressed creative vision within
you; and the same challenge confronts you in your personal life and in
your relationship with Camilla. Somehow you need to find a way to follow
the voice of your own heart and soul without clinging too tightly to people
and situations from whom you must separate - psychologically or physically.
There is also a great longing for peace, beauty and harmony in the image
of manhood you carry within you; and this peace-loving quality may sometimes
make it very difficult for you to bear conflict and quarrelling and the
ordinary confrontations which inevitably occur in any relationship. Perhaps
you are not always aware of how far you will go to avoid open warfare
with your partner, for you may have developed various surface compensations
for such a refined and essentially "pacifist" side of yourself. Your need
to please those you love is very great - so great that you may sometimes
betray your own deepest needs for the sake of others' approval. Perhaps
you also saw this problem enacted in your father's life; for there are
echoes of his longing for harmony within you. You are now faced with the
challenge of preserving harmony, beauty and peace in your life without
sacrificing your self-respect or your right to boundaries and independence
within your relationship.
The more problematic face of this image of man as poet is thus the dilemma
of remaining open and receptive - to your partner as well as to the inner
world - while retaining a sense of boundaries and separate identity. Loneliness
and fear of isolation from others may be a deeper fear in you than you
have ever acknowledged; and it can create a kind of weakness within you
- a sort of unconscious passivity or victimisation by life, where you
somehow cannot find the ground to stand firm in the face of conflict and
confrontation with your partner. Your idealism and longing for perfection
may also make it hard for you to accept human flaws and limits, and to
deal with the drearier and more banal aspects of life with another person.
Even if you make an external show of strength in certain spheres, you
may actually do quite a lot more compromising and placating than you are
consciously aware of, if you are secretly feeling shaky or insecure -
not only with Camilla, but in the broader arena of your working life and
your interaction with others.
Over the years you have developed other areas of strength
in order to deal with the complexity of your inner image of masculinity;
but such compensations, although valid in their own right, do not alter
the essential nature of the ongoing challenge confronting you.
Beauty and Reality
You have a great deal of aesthetic feeling in your nature, and a deep
appreciation of beauty and harmony which needs to be translated into some
creative form. In many ways this strongly artistic quality not only increases
the power of the poet in your nature, but also increases the dilemma of
separateness which is such a challenge for you in your relationship.
Your vision of beauty and the capacity for creative expression which
it gives you cannot of itself, however, provide you with the strength
necessary to formulate your own boundaries and remain an independent individual
within your relationship; and while it is essential that you give such
an important facet of your character some vehicle in your outer life,
escape into the world of art, beauty and pleasure will not help you to
deal with the inevitable times when you discover that you cannot please
all of the people all of the time.
Your peace-loving and harmonious spirit may surprise you by its gentleness
and idealism; for you may not have seen yourself in such a light before.
But if you do not live it you may pay a high price in frustration, depression
and a sense of life having lost its beauty and meaning. Yet you need also
to learn to live this aesthete and perfectionist within realistic boundaries;
for while your partner will inevitably appreciate your innate courtesy
and kindness, no amount of pleasing others will compensate for your need
to be your own man.
There are very special gifts of the heart and the
imagination which the poet within you can contribute to your life and
your relationship. But much depends on how well you are able to balance
your need for a beautiful, harmonious, perfect world with your equally
important need to function as a separate individual, both with Camilla
and in your working life. It is possible that you have had no balanced
model of masculinity in your childhood, although this does not cast "blame"
on your father. After all, you and he probably share the same sensitivity
and the same dilemma of boundaries - even if he could not express these
aspects of his character to those around him. Because you sometimes feel
weak, unformed and therefore anxious and vulnerable inside, you may exaggerate
your partner's strengths; and this could make you attempt to prove your
manhood to yourself and to her in stereotyped and sometimes quite destructive
ways. Even if you are unaware of it, you are probably frightened of real
aloneness and emotional self-sufficiency, and this is the deeper issue
behind the compensations you sometimes adopt. The more unconscious you
are of your vulnerability and neediness, the more you can be manipulated
through your real "blind spot" - a vague but corrosive sense of guilt
because you feel totally responsible for others' happiness. Guilt is a
useless and ultimately emasculating emotion, leading inevitably to covert
resentment rather than to love and loyalty. It is likely that you have
experienced these things early in life, through watching this relationship
dynamic in operation between your parents. Your fear of being trapped,
controlled or victimised, and the angry sense of impotence that arises
from this fear, are not the "fault" of Camilla; these feelings have as
much to do with your own emotional dependency as they do with any actual
demands your partner might make. And even if she were the most voracious
and insatiable of souls, you could always simply say "No". The image of
masculinity which you carry within you is that of the poet and the visionary,
and it is a rich, complex and beautiful image - although it may not get
you the leading role in Terminator 3. But Orpheus the Poet is one of the
great archetypal images of man as seer and prophet. Find a more balanced
way to define your own identity, and you will have all the richness of
the inner world to express in your life and in your relationship.
2. Basic Relationship Patterns within Your
Partner
Camilla also has within her images and patterns of response which
are activated by the relationship. Thus your partner is also receptive
to the transformative potential of the bond; and even if this sometimes
involves conflict and uncomfortable self-confrontation, she could experience
deep and positive changes as a result.
Compassion and Creativity
However your partner may consciously define what it means to be a woman,
there is an image within her of woman as compassionate redeemer, and sometimes
as victim. This image is strongly activated in her through her relationship
with you. It is best portrayed by the Christian figure of Mary, the Mater
Dolorosa who weeps for the sins and suffering of humankind. But the image
of woman as redeemer and victim is really much older than the Christian
one. Its roots lie in the ancient oceanic mother-goddesses such as the
Babylonian Tiamat, who create the universe and are then dismembered by
the hero-gods. These goddesses are terrifying as well as life-engendering,
for they also swallow up their creations and start all over again. The
most positive attribute of this inner figure is a deep sensitivity to
human suffering, and a compassionate response to others' needs. These
gifts of the heart form part of your partner's essential character. Even
if she is not really conscious of this dimension of her femininity, nevertheless
others are probably aware of it because they are the beneficiaries. The
dark side of this image, however, is reflected by the devouring propensities
of the mother-goddesses of ancient myth. The close emotional identification
which Camilla feels toward other people also means that she may have difficulty
in establishing her own boundaries and containing her own emotional needs.
It is possible that she saw an example of the more difficult face of this
archetypal image enacted by her mother during her childhood, and has recoiled
against this aspect of her own character as a result. But if she is able
to separate her early and perhaps negative experiences from the true meaning
and potential of this inner figure, the great depth, insight and compassion
inherent in her personality can be expressed without the victimisation
and martyrdom that so often accompany these gifts.
The conflict between openness to others and firm personal boundaries
is a difficult one, and Camilla will need at some point in her life to
confront this issue honestly if she is to live her inner image of woman
in a creative and personally fulfilling way. Probably her mother had few
boundaries and great emotional needs, and this parent's dependency on
others may have put her into situations where she suffered without having
the power to take charge of her own life. Your partner might also have
experienced her mother's suffering as somewhat manipulative, and may also
have perceived her sacrifices as bearing very high price tags in terms
of what was required in return. There might indeed have been a good deal
of unconscious manipulation in this parent's behaviour and situation.
Your partner seems to carry a certain amount of guilt and a deep sense
of obligation toward her mother which she unconsciously express in her
relationship with you as well as with others who need her. However independent
she may appear on the surface, it is often difficult for her to say "No"
to others' demands because she fears the separateness and isolation this
might bring her. But if she placates you or martyrs herself because of
a fear of loneliness, she will also accumulate a large reservoir of resentment
and bitterness which will in turn make her unconsciously manipulative
in the same way her mother might have been. Your partner's compassionate
response and empathy with others' pain are very real and beautiful attributes
of her character. But they may be mixed up with guilt about what she felt
she owed to a suffering parent in childhood. If she believes she is only
lovable and worthwhile when she is needed and useful, she could also inadvertantly
try to live for and through you, thus compensating for her own lack of
a firm, coherent identity.
Your partner may have sensed a deeply wounded quality in her mother.
Because of her innate sensitivity, as a child she probably unconsciously
assumed the role of redeemer or healer - even if she was unaware of accepting
such a responsibility, and even if on the conscious level she found her
mother's behaviour difficult and hurtful. Camilla is deeply compassionate
toward the wounds in others and probably feels most fulfilled and happy
when she is offering help and support. This may be an important and positive
aspect of the way in which she relates to you, as well as a potential
path for her working life. But she may also identify too closely with
this role, and may secretly experience herself as someone irreparably
wounded and intrinsically unlovable unless she can earn others' love by
giving them the help they need. There may be some tangled issues around
wounding and healing from your partner's childhood which need to be explored
with insight and compassion. Her natural attraction to the role of the
healer is also accompanied on the dark side by a sense of herself as the
wounded one. If she is to avoid bringing these patterns into your relationship
and martyring herself through her belief that she must earn love through
self-sacrifice, she may need to work consciously toward experiencing herself
as worthwhile and lovable in her own right.
Emotional security and a feeling of belonging are deeply important to
your partner - perhaps more than she allows others or even herself to
recognise. The sensitive response she has to others' needs reflects her
need of them as well. It is likely that she experienced a darker version
of this kind of emotional need through her early relationship with her
mother. This parent might have tried to live through Camilla, and your
partner may have experienced a deep albeit unconscious identification
with her mother's unhappiness and unlived life. Issues of dependency are
therefore likely to arise in her relationship with you, because she is
at the same time both deeply dependent and frightened of dependency -
her own as well as yours. Her strong need to belong may conflict with
other, more independent qualities in her character, and she may have had
a hard time freeing herself from her bonds to her mother because of her
emotional loyalty to this parent. There is a deeply maternal element in
your partner's nature which finds it difficult not to be needed all the
time. Thus she may find it hard to let go of you and give you the necessary
independent breathing space. If Camilla saw too much of this kind of dependency
in her mother, she may recoil from it in herself. But then it will express
itself in covert rather than straightforward ways. It may be important
for your partner to explore issues around her true emotional requirements
and nature, so that she can separate her perfectly healthy and legitimate
need to belong from the darker forms of dependency and emotional blackmail
which she may have experienced early in her life.
The Importance of Self-Expression
There is a richly imaginative and creative dimension of your partner's
character which is also an aspect of her inner image of woman. This gives
her a rich blend of empathy, vision, and an ability to express her deep
perceptions of people and life in creative forms such as writing, painting
or drama.
There is a richly dramatic quality in your partner's nature which combines
with her innate sensitivity to others and gives her considerable creative
gifts. She might make a fine novelist, poet or actor, or enjoy some other
creative field where her insights into people can be expressed in an individual
and imaginative way. But Camilla may have witnessed similar creative gifts
being sacrificed by her mother during her childhood, because of this parent's
deep need of others and her fear of the loneliness which inevitably accompanies
any creative work. Because of this conflict, your partner may have witnessed
a certain amount of manipulative and even downright theatrical behaviour
in her mother, as though the parent's need for self-expression and recognition
could only be shown in such indirect ways within the family. Your partner
faces a similar challenge of combining a highly fertile and colourful
imagination with a profound need for closeness and involvement with others.
She can no doubt find the right balance between her relationship with
you and a field of work where she can express her imaginative gifts independent
of you. But she may also need to explore her perceptions of this conflict
in childhood. For it is possible that your partner sees creative achievement
and personal happiness as mutually exclusive. She may therefore feel she
has to choose because she have no positive childhood model of how to have
her cake and eat it too.
There is a strong intellectual dimension to your partner's nature which,
whether she has developed it or not, gives her qualities of detachment,
restlessness and mental curiosity which may seem to conflict with her
inner image of woman as healer and victim. Perhaps Camilla feels she must
make a choice between her intellectual development and self-expression
and her emotional fulfillment with you. Probably her mother also possessed
intellectual or aesthetic potentials which were not sufficiently developed
because of this parent's dependency on others. Your partner may have internalised
this conflict, and now carries the deep-rooted belief that these two sides
of her own nature are incompatible and that she cannot live them both.
But she is a thinking woman who needs a high level of communication in
her relationship with you as well as independent areas where she can develop
her intellectual abilities. If she holds back from formulating and developing
her own ideas about life because of the inability to tolerate separateness,
she may find herself becoming frustrated, resentful, critical and bored.
Equally, your partner needs to acknowledge and live her emotional needs
as well - for if she tries to live a life which is merely the opposite
of her mother's, she will come no closer to finding a creative balance
between these two important and potentially rewarding aspects of her character.
At the core of your partner's inner life the image
of woman as compassionate healer stands as the foundation of her emotional
world within this relationship. She can live this figure at the same time
that she develops other aspects of her personality, for these qualities
are not mutually exclusive with a full and independent creative life.
But it is likely that Camilla will need to explore her more negative unconscious
assumptions about this archetypal facet of the feminine. It seems that
some element of sacrifice or suffering which she perceived in her mother's
life has driven her into believing that she cannot have a close and emotionally
fulfilling relationship with you while at the same time maintaining healthy
boundaries and her own psychological and material self-sufficiency. The
dark side of your partner's inner image of woman is the passive victim
and martyr, where sacrifice may also be a kind of manipulative tool to
generate guilt and a sense of obligation in others. It is likely that
she saw quite a lot of this darker side acted out in childhood. If this
was so, she needs to try not to let it drive her away from her own emotional
needs. For in her efforts not to be a victim she may inadvertantly dissociate
from the voice of her own heart and wind up victimised anyway - not by
you, but by her own internal conflict. The mythic figures who personify
this subtle but powerful face of the feminine are hardly victims. They
are usually omnipotent goddesses who create the manifest universe. When
Camilla has discovered the great strength that lies in her vulnerability
and need of others, she will have found the key to the most creative expression
of this inner image which is really herself.
- - -
CHAPTER V
CONCLUSION
It has been suggested by various psychological investigators as
well as dramatists, poets and novelists over the ages, that without relationship
we would never become conscious of ourselves. It takes another person
to reflect back to us, as in a mirror, who we really are, whether this
is on the most superficial level of public image or the most profound
level of essential identity. Plato once wrote that we see in the face
of the beloved a glimpse of the god who presides over our own soul; and
it might also be added that we see a glimpse of our personal devils there
as well. No astrological chart, whether interpreted through the skills
of an individual astrologer or the more limited capacities of a computer,
can tell us whether we should or should not be involved with a particular
person; nor can it tell us whether the relationship is "good" or "bad",
or whether it will endure. Ultimately, human choice, human creativity
and human compulsion always upset the most careful of psychological and
astrological predictions. But insight into why we are drawn to another
person, what we create with that person, and how we are changed by it
can give us tools for greater choice and creativity, and fewer compulsions.
If a relationship has depth and the power to transform, it will inevitably,
at some point, cause us pain - especially the pain of leaving an old and
outworn self behind. If we are able to recognise that the only time we
truly get to enjoy two hearts beating as one is in the womb, then we can
approach our relationships with realism as well as idealism. The medieval
alchemists knew that the gold they sought was human gold, not metal; and
if we can rediscover some of that vision, then we are better equipped
to perform the great and mysterious alchemical work of loving another
individual.
- - -
APPENDIX
The Perspective of the Relationship Horoscope
In developing the Relationship Horoscope, Liz Greene began with her
professional experience of clients wishing to gain astrological insight
into their personal relationships. These clients most often have been
in a relationship for a period of time, perhaps one or two years if not
more, and the romantic and blissful beginnings have moved into a deeper
and more realistic interchange. The darker aspects of both personalities
have by this time been revealed, and problems and conflicts have come
to the surface - usually resulting in a desire to understand more about
the dynamics at work.
Both partners may not express the same interest in an astrological analysis
of their relationship. One may even be quite skeptical of astrology. But
very clearly, one partner is interested - and in this case it is you.
You might come alone for an astrological consultation to discuss your
relationship with Camilla. The Relationship Horoscope is written with
this scenario in mind: It addresses you as the one who has requested the
analysis, and it refers to Camilla as a third party, as "your partner".
Thus the Relationship Horoscope does not speak to both partners, but to
only one. The contents, however, refer to both partners in a symmetrical
fashion.
If you want to share your Relationship Horoscope with Camilla, you might
suggest that she bears this in mind while reading, rethinking the text
accordingly. However, if this seems inappropriate for you and your partner,
you are free to order a second copy with the text reversed so that it
addresses Camilla, referring to you in turn as "your partner".
To order a reverse Relationship Horoscope with the text addressed to Camilla,
please note the order code TPRE as well as the complete number of your
present Relationship Horoscope. You will find this number at the bottom
of the title window and at the bottom left of each page. The price of
this second report is half the normal price (this may depend on the country
where you order).
Feedback
The Relationship Horoscope is still a very new analysis, and probably
contains some flaws and mistakes - in content as well as on the technical
level. These flaws can and should be improved. We would be very grateful
if you could point these out to us, and very pleased if you can give us
some positive feedback as well.
Astrological Technique
To create the Relationship Horoscope, three astrological charts are examined
- the natal chart of both partners and the composite chart calculated
according to the midpoint method. For the compilation of the interpretation
text, the following main astrological factors are taken into account:
cross-aspects between the two natal charts, dominant themes in the composite
chart, aspects between the composite chart and the two natal charts, and
certain themes in the two natal charts which are triggered by either the
partner's chart or the composite chart.
Further Reading
The Relationship Horoscope touches upon many elements in both natal charts,
but particularly focusses on those relevant to relationship patterns and
themes. Having read the present horoscope, you or your partner may be
interested in a broader analysis of your own personality beyond the relationship
perspective. In this case we would like to recommend the
PSYCHOLOGICAL HOROSCOPE ANALYSIS
by Liz Greene (also available from us).
Recommended astrological reading referring to relationship themes:
"Astrology for Lovers" by Liz Greene: An amusing but profound view of
the zodiacal signs regarding their characteristic behaviour in relationships.
"Relating" by Liz Greene: An insightful approach to relationships which
synthesises astrology and depth psychology.
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